Anti Bullying Programs DO NOT work.

Thought I'd toss that out there to start with.

The kids in school have been harped at and harped at about bullying, but they're still clueless.

If someone takes your pencil, that's not being a bully.
If someone takes your pencil every day, sometimes pokes at you with it, smacks you when you try to take it back, then they pick on you at recess... well, he's a bully.

The trouble is, kids can't see a difference. So instead of saying "Joe took my pencil," they get all wounded and say, "Joe is bullying me!!!" and expect the bully police to come out and save them.

They've been taught to tell an adult when they're being bullied, which isn't a bad idea at first glance, but they've never learned what bullying actually is.

So they go to adults ALL the time. With every infraction.

Said adults, who are tired of hearing the constant refrain, start to tune the kids out. And the real bullying keeps going on behind the scenes, as it always has. We never learn, we politically correct adults.

We think that slapping a label on our way of dealing "Anti Bullying Program! We're PRO ACTIVE!! We are ALL over this! Yes we are!!" is somehow proof that we're handling things.
No.
We're not.

It gets aggravating when they think every time a person looks at them wrong that they're being bullied, but as always, I have to consider things like that as teachable moments. Talk with them about the difference between someone bugging you a little and someone who's actually constantly picking on you.

Last week a mom came to me and told me that one of my kids is bullying her son. They're both in my program. During program time, the older boy is sort of a pain in the ass, he's sneaky and does stuff to the smaller kids, thinking he will get away with it.

I'd like to say that I catch it every time, but I don't. It's not possible to monitor every word and action that happens during our time together. I do monitor them, of course, and can often tell by the way they're standing or the set of their shoulders that something is going on that shouldn't be.

I eavesdrop, I drop in on their play area, I interrupt arguments as necessary, I have serious conversations with the ones who need it... I do what I can to keep the mean spirited stuff down.

But kids don't always agree and they're not always able to disagree politely or appropriately. They're children. It's up to the adults in their lives to help them find the tools they need to handle things.

It doesn't hurt them to argue a little. They need to learn to solve their problems and be able to discuss things rationally. I think we all know an adult or 20 who can't do that.

We just use bigger words. Rather than saying, "Well, you're a poopyhead," we call people liberals or tea baggers or racists.
But it's the same thing.
Just a little more creative.
Certainly not more grown up, am I right?

So Brian* is picking on Fred* a little bit in program, but because we have a small group, they're contained, and I'm vigilant, it's not a huge issue during program.

However. Brian, who is older and in a higher grade, has enlisted the help of some of his friends to help him pick on Fred during school time.

They gather around him during recess and taunt him.
Fred is slightly delayed, and they've been calling him a retard.

When Fred's mom told me that, I literally saw red for a moment. Aloud, I said, "He's a child. He has no clue. Count to 10." And I counted to 10. Still saw red. Brian doesn't know how offensive that word is. But he DOES know that word hurts Fred, and that's why he says it. It's compounded because other kids are joining in with him. And THAT is bullying.

Fred, when telling his parents the other night why he doesn't like school anymore, when he's always enjoyed it, was 'a huge puddle of tears'. He is apprehensive about going to school, he doesn't want to go outside to play during recess, and he's being hurt by these bigger kids.

I have known Fred for a few years. I have seen him struggle with a lot of things, and have watched him overcome one issue after another. I am extremely proud of him, really. He wants to do well and he has busted ass to do just that.

And for Brian to pick on him makes me livid.

Now of course there are two sides to every story.

I know that his family has had some issues. The children in the family are well cared for and loved by everyone, regardless of which household the kids are spending the week in. He used to be an open, engaging and friendly kid, eager to help out and really nice to the younger ones. That has changed. He is sarcastic, snippy, and quick to anger. So obviously something in his life is different and he's acting out. I know this.

My anger at the way he's treating Fred is tempered a lot by the realization that he has things going on, too.

But that doesn't give him a free pass, and obviously the behavior can't be allowed to continue.

So. I have an agreement with the principal that when there is an issue between children in my program that carries over into school, I will keep her in the loop and let her know what's going on.

I met with her last week and made sure she's aware.
I'm keeping an eye on things when they're together.
I'm glad their schedules make it so they're not spending a great deal of time together, really.

I will address issues as I see them.

When I was a kid, and there were bullying problems, I observed that when the adults in charge tried to put a stop to it, often after the problem was well established and completely out of control, the bullying just became more subtle. The kids went underground.

I don't want that to happen, which is why I have not taken Brian aside to tell him, 'Look, I know you're picking on Fred. Don't you dare do that here.'

Because when I am not around, which is most of the school day, it will just make things worse for Fred.

Don't want anything like that to happen. Just from my own experience
that's exactly what would happen.