From the mailbag last week...

I sent this on to a few friends because I want to make sure that y'all stay safe out there on the road.

Tami originally sent it to me because she wants me to be safe, too. What a friend.
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I had a flat tire yesterday, so I got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

Traffic starts backing up. Everybody is honking their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me..

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire." I said, calmly.

"Well, what are those cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.. So I told him,

"Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers!"

Hmm.

From the mailbag comes this gem:

Let me get this straight.

Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is nearly broke.

What could possibly go wrong?

From the Mailbag

My aunt sent me this hysterical picture. Barbie at 50.

I'm taking a day off from work to take Matt and Lyssa on a field trip.

That hasn't happened in ages.

I'll see you tomorrow with pictures.

Got a letter

from Kitten on Thursday.

I know that many people who read here also read her blog and keep up with the things going on in her life.

She's doing okay, but still has no computer. If the guy her brother knows can't fix her computer, she hopes to be back online in February with a new one.

So I just thought I'd pass on the information.

I'm going to write her an actual letter this afternoon.

Anyone want me to include a few words on their behalf before mailing? I was thinking it might be nice for her to know that we're thinking about her and missing her, ya know?

Two Posts today....

Scroll down for the other one...

This came in my email from my good friend Tami, everyone in my family loved it. Hope you enjoy it, too.

Public Service Announcement

I have a local friend who ordered some DVD's online. (No, I said LOCAL, not LOCO... although when we get together, the casual observer might think otherwise...)

She ordered them from a company in Canada. They did not work. She notified the company. The company told her she'd have to send them to CHINA and pay a restocking fee!!

Here's what she said about the experience:


"Recently I was scammed online for $120 through a place called SavingCity. They are at www.savingcity.net on the web. I am making it a personal mission to make sure no one else falls into the same trap as I did. They sell pirated DVDs (that don't work) and then will not refund your money. I'm working with my bank to dispute charges but in the meantime, I wanted to warn everyone else NOT to use them."

So there you go. Today's public service announcement.
And if you ever come out this direction, stop for lunch somewhere and see two middle aged women laughing loudly and having a great time, it might be us. Come over and say hi. :)

Today's laugh

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


For some reason, the whole thing doesn't show up, at least when I'm viewing it with AOL's browser. Click on the comic strip to get the whole ha ha.

From the mailbag

(Thanks Harbor)

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher: I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,and appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or Salsa dancing and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter: Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.

Best,Wendi AaronsAustin, TX

Hmm

Makeup.... $60.00




Clothes.... $150.00



Boob Job....$20,000




Tattoos... $500.00


Forgetting to tuck in your nuts?

Priceless.

Want a Puppy? (from my email this week)

I need a favor!! My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).

It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing , and that gives her the Heebie Jeebies.

I think she is just weird !
If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Here's a picture of the dog.

Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Have a Sanctimonious 2007!

I received the following in my email box this morning:

Hi I checked this out on truth or fiction and this is true *Name removed*
-- Jim Neugent is a coach in Childress , Texas

Jim writes: My name is Jim Neugent. I wrote to ABC (on-line) concerning a program called "THE PRACTICE." In last nights episode, one of the lawyer's mothers decided she is gay and wanted her son to go to court and help her get a marriage license so she could marry her 'partner.' I sent the following letter to ABC yesterday and really did not expect a reply, but I did get one. My original message was: ABC is obsessed with the subject of homosexuality. I will no longer watch any of your attempts to convince the world that homosexuality is OK. ' THE PRACTICE' can be a fairly good show, but last night's program was so typical of your agenda. You picked the 'dufus' of the office to be the one who was against the idea of his mother being gay, and made him look like a whiner because he had convictions. This type of mentality calls people like me a "gay basher." Read the first chapter of Romans (that's in the Bible) and see what the apostle Paul had to say about it.... He, God and Jesus were all 'gay bashers'. What if she'd fallen in love with her cocker spaniel? Is that an alternative life style? (By the way, the Bible speaks against that, too.) --Jim Neugent - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Here is ABC's reply from the ABC on-line webmaster: How about getting your nose out of the Bible (which is ONLY a book of stories compiled by MANY different writers hundreds of years ago) and read the declaration of independence (what our nati on is built on), where it says "All Men are Created equal," and try treating them that way for a change! Or better yet, try thinking for yourself and stop using an archaic book of stories as your lame crutch for your existence. You are in the minority in this country, and your boycott will not affect us at ABC or our freedom of statement. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Jim Neugent's second response ! to ABC: Thanks for your reply. From your harsh reply, evidently I hit a nerve. I will share it with all with whom I come in contact. Hopefully, the Arkansas Democrat Newspaper will include it in one of their columns and I will be praying for you. - -Jim Neugent - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Note: Wouldn't Satan just love it if people stopped using the Biblefor a crutch? Please resend this to everyone in your mailbox. -- Thanks, Jim Neugent I wonder if the person from ABC considered how many people would read this e-mail! This is one we should definitely pass on.



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Here's the rest of the story, since people evidently don't bother to follow up. They pick and choose the parts they want and toss the rest.

First of all, Jim Neugent is from Arkansas,(2.6 million people, three last names) not Texas. He's among the people who can legitimately send out "Happy Birthday, Uncle Daddy!" cards.

Second, the episode of The Practice referred to in the email, was aired in 1999!!! So it's not really urgent to pass it on today or ever. Really. It was eight years ago. How long does the Bible say to carry a grudge? I can't find the scripture about it.

Mr. Neugent received an apology from ABC (check out Snopes.com before forwarding stuff!!) and the overzealous person who originally emailed him lost their job.

Not everyone agrees with Mr.Neugent, however. I sure as hell don't. I am not against homosexuality or homosexuals. I find it utterly appalling that some Christians feel it is their right to decide who is worthy of the love of another person and that they should have the right to decide for me whether or not I should give my love to the person of my choice.

The Bible I was brought up with says things like, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." and, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

I wasn't raised to point out the sins of others, to decide whose behavior or lifestyle is sinful, or to be anyone's conscience. I have enough to do without that! I sincerely don't understand why some Christians are threatened by other people's choice of partners to walk through life with. I'd also like to know who appointed ANY of them to be my moral watchdog. Someone enlighten me?

Oh, and go visit the link in today's title.

From the email bag...

This made me smile this morning.

To make you laugh...

Both my kids have listened to the song you'll find at this link, sent to me by a very good friend:

DaVinci's Notebook Greatest Hit

But... perhaps those of you with younger kids may not find it suitable for them. You listen first.
I thought it was a riot.
Thanks, Tami!

Okay, this quacked me up

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

From the mailbag

A resident in the area saw a ball bouncing around kind of strange in a nearby pond and went to investigate.














It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a child's basketball which became stuck in its mouth!! The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface. The resident tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful.











He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.















I can't tell you if the story is true, it came in my email. But the pictures are pretty convincing.

From the mailbag today...

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with,
"Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda.. try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap and the power went off! Complete darkness!

"What happened?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

About two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

WARNING!!

From my email today:


Probably more than most, I just hate people who forward too many warnings, but this one is important! Send this one to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door to say that they are conducting a survey on deer ticks, and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do NOT do it! IT IS A SCAM: They only want to see you naked!


I wish I'd received this warning YESTERDAY. I feel so stupid now.

Stressed?

From my email last week: I'd credit the original source if I could, but this one's been floating around the internet for years. If you put ' identical dolphin stress test' in the search field on Google you'll get 56,700 hits.

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The picture below has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary 's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group of more than 400 people revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
I have looked at the picture repeatedly. I guess I'm okay, both dolphins look fine to me.