I called my littlest brother last week.
Weird as it sounds, we haven't said a lot about my leaving home.
We have never discussed why I left, what was going on.
We didn't talk about the screaming, the hitting, the tantrums.
The night time door-slamming, stomping, making Mom cry sessions.
For all these years I have thought things weren't so bad once I left.
The girl
child who was outspoken and decided to stand up and defend herself
wasn't there anymore, so the angry and mean asshole dad
would somehow have improved.
I thought no one else in the family had the same experiences.
That Dad's favorite trick of making a fist with the middle knuckle sticking out and taking jabbing punches at my upper arms as punctuation for his rants didn't happen to anyone else. That the scattering of circular bruises in a place that didn't show was just mine.
Nope.
Anyway. Little brother is 55 years old now.
Told him some of
what I was feeling since dad died and how much I regret not seeing him
grow up.
How I felt like I lost him. He said, "No, you haven't. I'm
still here."
Then I asked him what he remembered about my leaving. All these years I thought he was too young to remember the things that happened and that he didn't even know Dad was so messed up.
Guys, I learned a lot. Not only did Dad NOT improve, he got worse. More abuse. Highlights include middle brother being knocked through the sliding glass door at my grandma's house (he needed stitches and dad concocted a story that middle bro stuck to) and a "pretty bad" beating for baby brother with a deflated bicycle tire inner tube. There were almost daily tantrums and violence. And one by one we left home. I can only imagine how things escalated against Mom, it must have been unbearable. I am sure he hit her, although I never saw it while I lived in their home, all the kids were too easy to smack around.
I
don't excuse her for her part in his abuse, she enabled it and was
silent so many times when she could have made a difference, but I feel
sorry for her, too. She's... not a really smart person in most ways. She
was never able to stand up for us or for herself. She was raised that
way and never grew a backbone. Her lack of inner strength is an explanation, though. Not an excuse.
I find myself wishing to go back in time knowing what I know now. Knowing that I could have made phone calls, talked to people (the whole don't tell on your family thing was strong) or tried to help get my brothers out of the situation, too.
Anyway, I continue to work through this shit. Next up, I need to call my other brother and have a heart to heart with him. Although I wasn't as close to him as the baby bro (born too close together I think, sibling rivalry) I still loved him and love him now. He's a good man who has done good things in the world. And he's kindhearted and loving to his family.
It's weird to me. I assumed that when Dad finally kicked off, I might feel guilt at not going to see him or not having anything other than a superficial relationship with him over the last 15 years or so. I saw him twice in the five years leading up to his death and talked to him on the phone maybe four times during those five years. Just nothing to say. He was not a healthy person, and I didn't need the illness I always got from being around him. Sorry it took me so long to figure that out.
But I'm not feeling guilt over our estrangement. Instead I'm feeling cheated for all the other years. For the knuckles instead of loving support I deserved.
I understand all of this. I haven't seen my only sibling for 30 years. He is younger and he was the smart one who turned his back on my parents and then all of us. I understand, now. I used to give my father a break, but not any more. He ignored my mother's disorder and enabled her. At our expense. No guilt for despising her and feeling distain for my father. They earned it. I am glad to hear you don't feel guilt, you are not the guilty one in this. Coming to terms takes time. I'm in my 70s and still am not fully there, but overall ok. You are not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry for the loss of your brother. It's so unfair. Have you ever tried to reach out to him? Or is that not a thing you'd want to do?
DeleteMy lack of guilt surprises me, as we were all raised to do the whole united front thing... us against the world. I am forever grateful that I woke up and got away. It was hard and it hurt but had I stayed, my life would have never been okay. Now I have this amazing husband and two amazing children and I am able to say the things that need to be said.
My brother and I were pitted against one another from his birth, so there never was a good relationship. It’s best to leave well enough alone. I understand what he did was the right thing to do. I was too indoctrinated at the time to understand. It was probably easier for him as he was the golden child. It really very good you don’t have guilt.
ReplyDeleteReally is hard to escape the childhood conditioning. We tend to credit the first source we learn something from, so things that shake our world view are often glossed over or skipped. I really didn't know how bad things were until much, much later. And now I'm seeing it even more with Dad gone. I know he was hurt as a child. And I'm sorry for that child. But again, it's an explanation, not an excuse. I'm not sorry he's gone.
DeleteI'm so glad you were able to talk to your brother. I hope you have a good conversation with your other brother also. I am so sorry that you, and they, had to grow up with an abusive father. That just stinks.
ReplyDeleteI find myself doing better every day. Once he died I was able to really examine things. Not that I wasn't able to before, but the death was the catalyst. All kinds of memories have surfaced. I am considering writing a letter to the other brother because when I talked to the first one I was crying and had to pause a lot. I'd feel better to get it all out there and then discuss it. Thanks for the support. It wasn't a fun existence.
DeleteI'm so glad you're processing this, in however you need to. Horrifying. Not the same, but it's taken me years to get past the things my ex did and didn't do. It doesn't help that's thrown back at me every few weeks by a son who doesn't understand how we were better off not living with him. He was 11 months old when his father left and 8 when he died. Kid has no recollection of how bad it was.
ReplyDeleteAnd our memories trick us. We gaslight ourselves, too. "It wasn't *that* bad, they did the best they could." Except when your behavior does a 180 when people are watching, it should be a hint that you're not doing things the way they should be done. I guess it's good that he has no recollection in most ways, but how incredibly frustrating for you. Sending you a hug.
DeleteI so understand, because my dad was an abusive alcoholic. We didn’t have much of a relationship, although in my mid 20s I tried. But it didn’t work. We rarely talked to each other, and his 3rd wife thought we were horrible daughters ~ but she didn’t know all the bad stuff. I have had therapy here and there, but my last therapy visit, the therapist said “you have PTSD”. Which surprised me, but as I’ve thought about it, I agree. And just knowing makes it easier to deal with. He died 17 years ago. I feel no guilt. I wish he had not been so broken, but not much I can do about that.
ReplyDeleteThere are times that I’m with a friend who talks about how awesome their dad was, and wonder what that would have been like.
You shouldn’t feel any guilt because pulling away from that sort of abuse is what you needed to do!
I know I did the right thing. My life would have been so different. I thought I *would* feel guilty. I prepared for that. I was not expecting to feel better after the actual death, but I do. If he wanted to be remembered differently he should have behaved better.
DeleteI'm so sorry you all had to grow up with all of that. Parents don't want to take responsibility for the pain they caused kids when they were younger. It's sad that so many of us have had similar childhood's.
ReplyDeleteI have been spending a lot of time on reddit. It's a goddamn epidemic. I knew you'd understand. Sending you a hug.
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