I didn't add my mom's current physical condition to my last post.
After the fall that broke her back, she started bending over a little. And then a little more. And more. Now, after so many years of incorrect posture, more falls, refusal to take care of herself, she's bent at the waist like she's walking along looking for bugs.
She can't stand up straight and hasn't been able to for many years. Between the damage to her body from all the falls and osteoporosis, she is really in sad shape. She has refused to use a walker indoors Oh there isn't room with my furniture... You know, instead of MOVING THE DAMN FURNITURE.
The refusal to use a walker or cane has exacerbated her condition(s) according to her physical therapists and doctors. Not that it's changed her mind. For whatever reason, it was just too much trouble to use a cane or walker to get around and now it doesn't really matter after the cumulative effect of so many years.
Add to that her sense of purpose. She pays zero attention to where she's putting her feet and doesn't bother to look ahead to plan the route she's going to take from point A to point B. She just... decides to go, jumps up and goes as fast as she can. She frequently trips, crashes into walls and furniture like an old drunk, and yeah, falls now and then, too.
About 10 years ago I was visiting them just 'cause.
We were all set up in the front yard with tables and buckets and gloves and doing a little tie dye.
We had brought a hammer out with us because not only was the deck built by amateurs, it was getting old and it wasn't unusual to see a nail sticking up an inch or two while one was walking along. Four or five times I'd grabbed the hammer and smacked a nail back down to avoid tripping or my mom falling.
Mom was doing her usual headlong dash along the deck to get something (I'd already told her twice to STOP DEADHEADING THE FLOWERS FROM THE DECK DO YOU WANT TO FALL AGAIN?!?) when she tripped over a loose board and crashed to the deck.
My dad, who's a worrier, reacted in his usual kind and solicitous manner. While trying to yank her up off the boards by her arms, he snarled "What the fuck is wrong with you?" yankyank "Goddammit, Sally, I should take this hammer," yankyank "And bash in your fucking head!"
yankyankyank
"Dad. Dad. DAD!!!"
He blinked at me and temporarily stopped yanking on Mom's arms. Then went right back to it.
yankyankyank
"DAD! STOP!!!"
"I have to get her up!"
"Here. Let me help."
I moved the sturdy kitchen chair I was sitting on over where Mom was still flopping around on the deck. Sat back down in it.
"She has to get herself up, Dad, it's easier. Believe me, I know." I kept my tone calm more for my mom's sake than anything. She was upset enough.
To Mom I said, "I will sit in the chair so it won't tip. You can use it to pull yourself up when you're ready."
It took a few minutes, and I had to tell my dad to, "Leave her alone, she can manage!" when he tried three more times to just go yank her up with brute strength.
He's not a great listener.
God Bless you keeping your patience when Dealing with difficult Loved Ones, it takes Patience, incredible Kindness and fortitude to stay Calm and Rational when everyone else isn't. Writing about the challenges helps and I think you make it humorous, like I tend to do, in the retelling of it... since Gallow's Humor gets us thru many unpleasant things, especially those we cannot change and have no real control over. Virtual Hugs my Dear, you are a good Daughter, Loving them unconditionally thru the Drama and Headaches I'm quite sure it has been!
ReplyDeleteWriting about it *does* make me feel better. Cathartic. I read one of the self help books, can't remember which one, that said I'd never heal/recover/be okay until I confront my father. I disagree. I can't think of any good reason to dredge all that old shit up with him, he won't remember most of it (if any) and he will never change. I won because I got away, I raised functional children, I married someone who has put me ahead of everything for forty years now.
DeleteNo reason to confront my poor, elderly dad. Who always loved me but had his own demons to wrestle.
Confrontation can often escalate things. Sharing the Heart is a lot more beneficial and doesn't put the other person on the defensive. Dredging the Past up doesn't change it, we can only live in the Present and keep that as functional as possible. You did Win for all the reasons you stated, the demons many people have really have very little to do with us personally, yet it is hard not to personalize it in relationships, isn't it?
DeleteIt *is* hard.
DeleteI love my parents and I forgave them a long time ago. They did the best they knew how.
I think part of being a parent is trying to do better for your child(ren) than what was done for you, and they did that. My grandparents on both sides were good people who loved their children, but as all parents do, made mistakes.
My parents were hurt as children. They grew up damaged and hurt. They didn't know how to do better, and learned as they went, same as we all do.
Another thing that I sometimes I forget? My parents were very young. They were 20 and 21 when I was born. Still kids themselves.
Also, I am 99% certain that my dad is on the spectrum and was never supported/taken care of the way he should have been. He was loved, but not liked? If that makes sense.
So I will never confront either of them. I love them. I have forgiven them. Moving on is a process and I doubt I'll ever be done, but I feel pretty decent.
Does you Dad have dementia or he is just that way? I had an Aunt who got just like that with dementia. Didn't see what they were doing or saying. It was like she was oblivious to others feelings after she got this. Gosh you have your hands full. You are a good daughter Ami.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a little dementia and a lot of just meanness. He's always just been mean first and everything else second. He doesn't seem to feel bad or regretful about any of it, usually blaming everyone else for all of it. Quite a lot like the emotional state of a six year old. When confronted, "Well she____" Instead of, "I should/n't have_____." It's a mindset and firmly ingrained. Lifetime of conditioning.
DeleteYeah, it's hard to keep calm when stuff like that is going on.
ReplyDeleteExtremely. Sometimes I've laughed at the crazy... sometimes I can only roll my eyes. Occasionally scream and grind my teeth. All of it is equally effective... doesn't do shit.
Deletehardest thing ever taking care of an adult invalid relative. kudos
ReplyDeleteI'm not taking care of them. We live too far apart. But I do care about them and wish I were able to contribute something to make them feel better. The occasional care package seems to make them happy. :)
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