Thin Skin

Any time I was bullied by my dad and I got pissed or finally dissolved into helpless tears, it was my fault and my feelings were dismissed with a disgusted, "You can't take teasing."

Often my mom would agree with him or say it at the same time.
It felt wrong but I didn't have the words or thoughts to explain why until much later in life. I never agreed internally that they were right, though. Never believed I was the problem when Dad picked on me.

However, I grew up resigned to being accused of being some kind of emotional wimp whenever anything hurt my feelings. I worked hard to hide how I really felt, but that didn't help either, he just worked harder to piss me off. So when I finally did lose it, it was better for him (more fun?) than just a regular outburst.

Of course that's not fair (life never is, right?) but that's how it was. When Dad picked at me and picked at me and picked at me and made me angry or made me cry, I was told that it was my own loss of control that was the problem, not the inability of the adult to control himself.

My mom didn't intervene, either.

Whatever crap he got up to was apparently just fine with her.

I suppose that's not entirely fair to my mom, she's a product of her childhood, too.

Mom was raised in a small town in Colorado. Her parents were small business owners. Florists.
They worked very hard to deserve a kind/decent reputation in the community, they were trying to earn a living.

That translated into raising their two daughters to not make waves or call attention to themselves.
And never, ever be involved in confrontation whether visibly or privately.
Back down, walk away, let it go.

Mom learned those lessons about as well as you can imagine.
Lifetime conditioning tends to do that.

Showing anger in front of Mom when Dad wasn't home (trying to get her to say something... some sort of agreement with me that what he said/did hadn't been okay) often led to the simpering Christian platitude about a soft answer turning away wrath.

Another fucking lie from the 'righteous'.

Side note... hearing that bullshit always made me angry and still does today.

Mom's upbringing may or may not have something to do with how she handled life and her marriage. May or may not have something to do with my aunt, her sister, putting up with years of abuse from her spouse before she'd finally had enough and kicked him out.

How we raise and speak to our young humans makes a big damn difference, guys.
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I work so hard to avoid those kinds of issues with the kids I work with. I cannot make their whole life better, but I can avoid making things worse for them for a few hours a day.

The actions of an adult who's been placed in authority over a child elicit a response from the child. And depending on how much time that adult spends with the child (and how much control over that child's life the adult has) the child's response, good or bad can become automatic. And then you have the lifetime conditioning that causes the kind of hurt I tried to explain at the beginning of this post. 

As adults we have a responsibility to try to make those interactions respectful and warm and loving.

But that's not always the case.
The adult's actions can be based on a few different things, including but not limited to; is the adult an asshole, does the adult have a vested interest in not making the child feel bad or will he just get away with it if he makes her cry, is the adult having a good/bad day, is the adult employed as a child care provider or is this a parent, does the adult have the sensitivity of a goddamn alligator, and my personal barometer, does the adult remember what it was like to be a child?

That one has been the most useful to me.

Sometimes it's difficult in the immediacy that is a day care situation, (there are usually 10 or more kids who need varying degrees of instant attention, it's noisy, kids who are upset/angry/losing it aren't going to wait ) but taking a step back mentally and considering how that child really feels can help clarify things.

I don't mean superficially. One needs to consider what kind of day the kid has had. What things are like at home. Does s/he have the grumpy teacher in the 3rd classroom on the left? Is it close to snack time? Being hungry at the end of the school day has an effect on everyone.

Later I can try to figure out what set him/her off and make a conscious effort to intervene before that happens the next time, but later is the operant word here.

What all the above really means is, there's merit in pausing to consider your response before actually responding.

I've heard that's true in many situations.

I actually have a favorite joke about flying off the handle, I will try to remember to write it up for you sometime. :)
I think it's important for the adult to remember he is the adult.
And to practice being kind, patient, tolerant for that little person.
I wish I'd been better for my own kids. That I had always remembered who the adult was. I regret every time I snapped at them or failed to consider their feelings before I said something. They were (are) nice people and deserved my best.

I didn't always have that for them. I have apologized to my children for all the times I didn't get it right. I love them so very much and I wanted to be a perfect parent.

Yes, I know that's not how things work. It's part of the reason that I have some sympathy for my own parents. I'm analytical enough to realize they wanted to get it right, too. And I forgive the times they fell short.