Trouble with one Double

In the past few weeks, James and Hayden have been aggravating each other frequently.  Usually James starts it, bothering Hayden until he's had enough and boils over.

Hayden launches himself across the room to start hitting or kicking his brother.

Verbal instructions to them don't stop the fight.
I'm not about to step between them. I don't want to get punched/kicked.

I know that it's normal sibling behavior, I had siblings, too.

I've had many pairs/trios from the same family in various programs as well. Some kids are less inclined to hit each other, some more. It really doesn't seem to matter, they outgrow it and manage to stay alive. Or so far, anyway.

But James and Hayden aren't listening to me. The other kids are either aghast at the fight or in Will's case, over there cheering one or the other on. It definitely has its funny side.

It's been a large enough concern that I emailed their mom on Monday last week. I told her I'd like to employ a parent-approved method of getting them calmed down, that having similar ways of dealing with issues between my program and home would probably help with consistency etc. She emailed me back to say that right now, they're not having a lot of success with any methods, the kids are being a little mean to each other no matter what they do, but they are separating them for hours and hours at a time, which at least temporarily helps.

She said that I could have them play separately, which I've already been doing, but in our setting, they don't even have to be playing together to set each other off. It's like little kegs of dynamite. Sheesh. BOOM!

She said that she would be talking to them both, and that she'd start a daily check in with me to see how they were doing. Then she reiterated in front of them as she dropped them off Tuesday that, "Susan and I will be checking in with each other. Please remember to listen and follow instructions."

James has been talking back to me, too.
I work hard not to pile bunches of rules on the kids, trying to allow them to just play with what they want to play with, choose their own activities, and be able to relax and unwind a bit after the school day.

When I do correct a kid, it's because the behavior or action I am seeing is way off from our usual routine.

If I say mildly, "James, we don't do that here," instead of a child who suddenly remembers the rule and stops, I get a venomous, "I don't care." Loudly. With as mean a look as he can give.

I don't like to get into arguments with kids, that doesn't help anything. My usual way of handling things like that is to cross the room and try to talk to the child alone.  Whatever issues he or she may be having, it doesn't make them better if everyone knows what our conversation consists of. I'm not trying to embarrass them.

But he doesn't want to come talk to me. He has decided that running away from me instead is a good way to solve his problems.

What I want to do is grab his arm and make him sit down and make him listen... but of course that wouldn't work anyway. He's not able to listen in that state. He has to run down, like... haha, I know... like a Cuckoo clock!!

Oh my goodness this kid.

So last week we had three full days of program. No matter how many activities I provide, no matter how we break it up into manageable chunks, those are long days for kids. We're open from 6:30 to 6, which is nearly twelve hours for some of the kids. Most of them arrive before 7:30.

We had ping pong. Pool. Table hockey. LEGO and Bionicles and art supplies and movies and retro video games. I have Pacman, Ms Pacman, Dig Dug, Pole Position, Galaga. No bloody or violent content.

The Eyeclops. (I did not spend over a hundred bucks on it via Amazon, I found it at Goodwill. It was brand new but the box was squished on one corner. 20 bucks, I think.)

Gym and outdoor time. Two snack breaks and a midday meal break. Tons of things to do. We have a fully stocked book cart. There were a couple teacher-led crafts, too, but there were only a couple kids who wanted to participate. That's fine, but it means that while I'm helping kids with a craft and James and Hayden decide to pound the crap out of each other with ping pong paddles, start pulling hair, pinching each other, kicking each other, slapping each other in the face,  I have to stop what I'm doing to break it up.

I broke up at least four arguments between them during the first two hours of the morning on Friday. Most of the time, James is the one who starts it. He always says he didn't, "Hayden started it!"  but I remind him, "Dude. You know I can see you, right?"

Then I got the standard mean and ugly face and, "I DON'T CARE!!" from him.

We went to the gym soon after one altercation.
He had decided that for some reason Juan was 'annoying' and started bothering him, mimicking his words/actions, telling him his LEGO creation was 'stupid' and then being pissy with me when I told him he needed to stop. "It's not MY fault!" he said. "HE'S the one being annoying!"

He brought his crappy attitude to our gym game, pegging his brother in the head with the (yeah, it's soft but it's still against the rules to hit people in the head) ball.

They fell to the floor, scratching, pulling hair, screaming.

I can't get between kids in an altercation like that. I don't want to get hit, and if I fell on one of them, I'd probably kill him.

Sort of awkward when it comes to annual review time, right?

So I told them both that the game was over for them, and to please get off the floor so others could play.

Hayden sat down on the floor next to my chair and sobbed, telling me, "I am so sorry, he just makes me so mad and I can't let it go!"

James crossed to the other side of the gym and stood with folded arms, hunched shoulders and angry visage. Just a guess here, but I don't think he was sorry.

I was trying to talk with Hayden, referee the game and keep Stevie happy, he doesn't understand most games we play, melting into a puddle of tears when he is put out. He hasn't learned that it's a temporary out.

Because of the broad age range/physical capabilities of my kids, we usually play a 10 second version of our games. You sit down wherever you were when you got put out, you count to ten and get back up. The point of gym games is for kids to get some exercise and enjoy a game, not get put out by the more-coordinated Colin and sit by the wall until the game is over.

Poor Stevie just doesn't understand it and it breaks his heart to be put out. He gets put out once, maybe twice in a game, then he quits and sits by the wall and sobs.
The rest of the time. No matter how long we're there.
:::sigh:::

I've learned that I'm not able to comfort Stevie, he just turns away from me, crosses his arms and goes on crying. Poor guy.

So James, seeing me trying to talk to his brother, referee the game, talk to Stevie and find a bandage for Amelia's invisible wound, ("Ow!! My finger really, really hurts!! I think I need a bandage!!") decided he'd like my attention, too. He picked up a chair from the edge of the gym, and holding it in front of him, hoisted it about eight inches from the floor. Looked at me. I ignored him, I was busy. So he put it down, adjusted his grip, and picked it up a little higher. I continued to ignore him. He did it a third time, raising it to about shoulder level before he again lowered it to the floor.

When that didn't get a response from me, he picked the same chair up, raised it over his head and threw it into the wall.

"James!! Get over here! That is completely unacceptable!"

"I don't have to. You're not the boss of me!"
If one wanted to bottle defiance in its purest form, (and really, who doesn't want to do just that?) his brand of defiance would be the closest I've seen lately.

Well shit.
I can't go grab him by the arm and drag him, although the idea is sorely tempting, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Amelia was still standing close to me and said, "Susan, what time is it?"

I pulled our site phone out of my sweatshirt pocket and opened it to see.

James yelled, "NO!! Don't call my mom!! I'm coming RIGHT NOW!!" He ran to me so fast that I thought he might have left a leg or maybe a foot behind.
rrrrrip!

Imagine THAT incident report! "I'm so sorry Mrs. Jamesmom, your son was splinched today during his attempt to disapparate and rematerialize on the other side of the gym."

Another thing that wouldn't look good on my performance review.

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!" He wasn't actually sorry, of course. Just worried that I might tell his mom.

I talked with him for a few minutes after sending Amelia back to the game.
"James, your mom wants me to check in with her when she comes to pick you up this afternoon. What would you like me to tell her about what just happened?"

He looked down at the floor, scuffed it with a toe and mumbled, "Dunno."

"What you just did wasn't a small thing, Buddy. We're in a brand new building with all new stuff and we have to keep it nice. I don't like to see kids being disrespectful with our stuff."

He just gave me that look. 

I don't know a way to change it if a child isn't contrite or embarrassed about his behavior.

Making a kid apologize is a pointless thing when they don't mean it.
It's not going to cause him to behave differently.

I try to help them understand why what they've done isn't a great choice, but some of the brainwork has to happen on their end, ya know? So until James understands why it's not a great idea to be throwing chairs, hitting his brother, deliberately breaking someone's LEGO creation, shoving someone out of line if they get there at the same time or any number of other perfectly normal kid behaviors, he will keep doing those things.

So because they're 12 hour days, I have to have a long break in the middle of the day. It's usually three hours, which isn't enough time to suit me because I'm still working a nine hour day and I'm decrepit, but whatever.

Charlotte drove out from the office to hang out with my kids.

When I came back from my break on Friday, James wasn't in the room. Before I could ask if he was in the bathroom, Charlotte told me, "You'll probably notice that James is gone. He had to be sent home for hurting someone."

Hayden was still there, listening to our conversation from across the room.

She told me that the kids were still watching the movie I'd put on, and James was sitting next to Colin. He elbowed him in the side. Colin moved further away. James scooted over by him and did it again. Colin moved again. James did it a third time.

Colin said, "Dude. Stop."
James did it again. Surprise.

Colin told him, "Dude. Leave me alone. I'm trying to watch a movie."

James thought about it a moment, then reached out and grabbed a bit of skin just below the inside of Colin's elbow, pinched it and twisted, causing Colin to yell and causing a huge bruise to show up immediately.

So she called our manager person, the manager person said that James would need to be excluded from program for the rest of the day, and he was picked up by his dad.
When he came to pick up, Dad asked Hayden if he wanted to go home, too. Hayden said no, he wanted to stay and play and do the crafts. So James left.

I got a little handmade card this past Monday from James.

"Susan form James. I'm sorry I have not been listening to you. I will do better."

He handed a letter to Colin, too, although I didn't get to see it.

After we came back from the gym on Monday, it was reading time. Everyone got a book and prepared to sit down for 20 minutes and read. Well, except for James. HE went to the bins and found a computer keyboard in the dramatic play bin. Put it on the table and started pretending (loudly) to type.

I walked over to his table and sat down by him.
"What would you like for me to say to your mom when I check in with her this afternoon, James? What you're doing is a distraction to everyone else who's trying to read and do their homework. You're supposed to be hanging out with a book."

I got the look again.

This time, though, Mom showed up during reading time. So I told her that I'd asked him to read with everyone else but that he chose to bang on a keyboard instead.

She went and talked quietly with him while Hayden got his backpack and coat, and they left.

For the rest of the week, she picked the boys up right after snack time. So they weren't able to go to the playground with us, weren't able to do crafts, weren't able to  just hang out and play with LEGO. Hayden blames James for it, which may help the cause. Or may not.

This week they're on vacation, so Spring Break will be happening without them.
I'm looking forward to a more peaceful week because of it.