Obviously I don't have both oars in the water.

I originally started this work because I was still homeschooling my kids, taking them to activities and running a Girl Scout troop and being a wife... and we needed a little extra money.

Eric's employer "had to" cut his salary by a large amount (remember how shitty the economy was then... thank gawd our 'representatives' have fixed that, huh?) we had a car payment and the kids needed braces. I figured the part time job would fit into my schedule and help the family.

I knew that I could tolerate just about anything for 10 hours a week, which was what Georgia offered me. She told me apologetically that she could not guarantee more than 10 hours. I told her that was perfect.
I didn't expect to love it.

And of course here I am on the other side of 12 years.
I've learned so much since then. When I started the job, I was at an utterly crazy site for one day a week, the other four days with Sunshine unless they needed me somewhere else. They did, at least once a week.

The crazy site had 18 kids, all running around like maniacs, screaming and yelling and arguing with each other. There wasn't a lot of purposeful activity and the various areas that the program was to be divided into just weren't there.

Pat was young and although she seemed to like the kids, she didn't have any control over the situation. When I commented on the two carts that were stowed in the little hallway instead of being brought out for the program, she commented that one had a broken wheel and the other one was 'too busy' and she didn't like bringing it out.

Sunshine's program was much different. There were many extra things offered and she was so good with the kids. She had respect for them and I could tell that she cared about each one. She was everywhere at once, putting out fires as I call it, mediating arguments and monitoring everything all the time.

It wasn't long before I was dreading Wednesdays. School got out at two on Wednesday which made a long shift at the crazy site. I would come home every Wednesday evening and tell Eric that I didn't think I could do this anymore. He'd tell me that I didn't have to, that I could quit any time... but also that it was only three hours a week that was so crazy and that I liked the other site.

He didn't want me to be working in the first place unless I really wanted to, while I wanted to be working at least a little to help contribute to the family.

I was bounced around quite a bit, too. Sometimes they needed me to be somewhere else and I might only get 20 minutes notice. I got to see a lot of programs and various program management skills. Or lack of skills. Sometimes it was slightly horrifying.

But I learned something at every location. I observed a lot of ways not to deal with kids, that's for sure.

I went to many site director meetings. They used to pay us to go to monthly meetings so we could learn from each other. We shared craft projects. We developed relationships, too.

I was telling Eric this week about how disconnected I feel at this new job and he reminded me of how difficult it was when I started doing this kind of work. He said that all the sites I went to taught me things and that I'd absorbed a lot of stuff through osmosis.

He's right. And I'm not getting that at my new job. I didn't work as a helper at anyone's site, so I have no idea about how things run. I don't know the best person to call for anything. I don't know how things are set up for break programs. I don't know how the company is set up. I would not know who to call if I wanted to go over someone's head, either. Not that I want to. I just don't know how things are organized.

I understand how to run a good program.
I know how to listen to kids.
I know what they enjoy doing.

I brought a ton of experience. I brought my own supplies. I've transformed the program space into something that's visually exciting and impressed the people who have had their children in the program before my arrival. 

Dane and Colin's mom commented on the activity plan that I post every week. She said they've never had anything like that.  

The kids are having a good time.
Every day.
They don't want to leave.

The new families have expressed their appreciation as well. Colette's mom told me that her daughter's old day care was 'a madhouse'. She said that she felt like her daughter was physically safe, but that it was a loud place and it seemed very disorganized. She loves the craft projects we've done and she says that it's important to her that Colette is enjoying herself in the program. That she has friends and is reading and learning and playing every day.

"I don't worry about her being here at all," she told me. "This place is great."

But... I'm drifting.
That's a good word for it.

I'm on the outskirts of the city, far from the office, far from other schools and programs, far from other employees except for the mandatory site director meetings.

We sit and listen, mostly. There is useful information, I'm not complaining. The more I listen, the more I'll learn.

But I don't expect to develop any relationships with the rest of the staff and I don't feel like part of a team. Not that I felt like a part of the team at my last job, either, I guess.

But I *did* before Fluffy came and shit all over the place. We were a team and we were a damn good one. Once again, I'd like to comment about how much I hate that asshole.

This unanchored feeling is not a good one, but I'm not sure what to do about it.