I have a cousin who lives across the river in Washington.
If I want to go visit James and his family (wife, four children) it's not far. About a half hour. If they were to go out on their roof and send up some flares, I would be able to see them. They are almost directly across the Columbia River.
The last time I saw them, their oldest child was ten years old.
He graduates from high school in a couple weeks.
My parents will be in attendance.
Uncle Dean was my dad's twin brother.
He died in 1976 in a horrible freak accident.
Yesterday afternoon, I talked to my mom on the phone regarding the graduation festivities. She said James had called them and invited them to attend, saying that he 'didn't have much family left.' She suggested in her perky cruise director voice that, "Maybe you and Eric could come, too!!"
I'm trying to imagine an alternate universe somewhere in which I would actually spend time with those people. It's not working. I can't even imagine it.
Huh.
Actually, he has a lot of family. But one by one, they've drifted away from him and his. You see, James and his family believe that their god wants them to 'hate the sin but love the sinner'. And Denette, James' sister, is gay.
Several years ago, when she came out to her family, he explained to her that she would not be welcome in his home if she brought her partner (now wife) with her. You see, it would just be sooooo awkward to have to explain to the children how Denette's girlfriend was really her girlfriend. As in, you know, in love.
He explained to Denette that he had to protect his children. That being around gay people was dangerous to their immortal souls. Hinted that being gay was the same as being a pedophile.
They got into a big argument. And he decided that even if she didn't bring her girlfriend, she couldn't come over anymore. Then it was on. No one loudly chose sides, we're all too far apart for that.
But I stopped seeing them. My children, who don't care about who's in love, decided they weren't interested in having anything to do with him.
Denette has two children. They decided they weren't interested in hanging out with Uncle James, either. And Laurel, James and Denette's mom, although she thinks it's a sin to be gay, is being supported by her daughter. She can't very well turn her back and walk away, Denette is helping pay for her assisted living and other expenses.
And my dad, who says he 'refuses to choose sides' is doing exactly that.
I don't understand it, we were taught while growing up that one should stand up for their beliefs, even when it's hard. Even when people around you disagree. Even when they say things that hurt your feelings.
Mostly, it just makes me sad.
Denette bailed her brother out of many jams... literally bailed him out on more than one occasion. A middle school and high school coach who thought steroids were a good idea for the teen football players and the family curse of being a little off (bipolar, narcissistic, borderline personality disorders... anxiety and depression and substance abuse, you name it, at least one family member probably has it) well... James has issues.
He had unconditional love and support from his sister and he turned away from her because of her "lifestyle choice".
And I suppose I am making a bigoted choice, too. I don't like bigots so I avoid them as much as I can. I don't approve of his attitude toward love, consenting adults or family.
You can bet I won't be going to the graduation.
Theology 101, not that James would care...God hates the sin, but loves the sinner. He expects the sinner (all of us) to not judge each other. That list of sins that is commonly used to isolate being gay as a special brand of hideous sin includes people who tell lies, steal, cheat on their spouse and get drunk. The passage even points out that the list includes everyone. Being gay isn't a special sin. Specifically what I am saying is we all sin by our lifestyle because we are sinners by nature. And that God loves us anyway.
ReplyDeleteI know that you aren't a believer, and I hope the above doesn't offend you. Don't feel bad about staying away. No one needs toxic people in their lives.
First, I am not offended. I fully support a person's right to believe whatever they want. I know that my mom and millions of other people derive great comfort from their religious beliefs and would not take that away from anyone.
DeleteI draw a definite line when a person thinks they must convert me to their way of thinking. And there isn't a word strong enough to describe what I think of a person who would suggest that I don't have moral standards because I don't have religion. As it says over there >>>> somewhere, I believe in morality, which is doing what's right no matter what I'm told rather than religion, which is doing what I'm told, no matter what's right.
I am quite familiar with all the arguments against homosexuality and other 'sins' laid out in the Bible. From the time I was a little kid I didn't understand why some sins were worse than others in the eyes of the congregation.
Why, if Bill Jones was ripping people off at his auto repair business, that was okay because he usually dropped a 50 in the offering plate.
The passage in Leviticus that contains the only biblical prohibition against homosexuality also prohibits many other activities and 'sins'. I have yet to see a Christian holding up signs outside a seafood restaurant to let people know that eating shellfish is bad.
And 'God hates the sin but not the sinner'... I won't completely get into that, but it angers me that people take that responsibility onto themselves and say righteously, "Well, I love the sinner but I hate the sin." Oh. How magnanimous of you.
loving the sinner would be magnanimous if the sinner wasn't us I guess. When a person says "I love the sinner, but hate the sin" they are putting themselves in the position of God. That isn't where Christians belong.We are told not to judge the world that God loves because we too are part of that world.
DeleteYes. That's my point. That's why I have very little to do with the more sanctimonious people in my family. I love them. But I don't like them. And I think they take way too much upon themselves, especially considering the shit they do to other people. They have no problem casting the first stone... while sitting on their high horse. :-D
DeleteSad situation. In my extended clan, we practice tolerance. Those who want to be intolerant and taken aside and "given a talking to" by the rest of us. We have first cousins who have been living together for years. We have religious zealots. Same sex partners? Probably. My sister and I resolutely refuse to take sides and openly interact with everyone (except the fucking pedophile). And if "talking to" doesn't work, there is always ass kicking.
ReplyDeleteOur family used to be a family who'd talk to people. Stand up for each other. We all thought that people's personal lives were exactly that, personal. I still feel that way. As long as it's consenting adults and no one is being harmed, who cares?
DeleteI feel sorry for the kids, though. There are people who love them and would like to have a relationship with them. Denette loves those kids and can't have any contact with them because of her brother's fear that the gay will rub off.
I am really worried about what's going to happen in my youngest brother's family when he figures out that *his* youngest son is gay. The rest of us have already picked up on it. I've tried to make sure that Adam knows there are people in his family who accept him with pride.
Even without the religious aspect, there is definitely some toxic relationships going on. It's no wonder James doesn't have much family left, because he doesn't accept family as family!
ReplyDeleteHe thinks he's been wronged by most of his family. That we're all a bunch of jerks.
DeleteThe whole family really has a lot of crazy. It's not like they can help it. I really don't know a family who isn't full of dysfunction, at least in the extended version, though.
My thoughts are always "well it's your loss, not mine." I have a wonderful mix of friends and am better for it.
ReplyDeleteYes!! Friends are the family made by heart. :)
DeleteYou can't be blamed for your family.
Your friends... well, that you can choose.