Mean Girl

I am having a really tough time with my mean girl.
Penny*.

Actually, it isn't me having the difficulties, it's the other kids. The ones who admire her and want to be just like her. The ones who, no matter how many times she rebuffs them and ignores them and bosses them around, still want to be in her orbit. They want to be in her little circle of influence, because being outside it means ostracism and being picked on. Being inside means a little of the popularity is theirs... at least as long as she chooses to allow them. But being in her circle during program doesn't guarantee that she will recognize them or talk to them if she sees them in the hall or on the playground or during the school day. And if they dare question her about it later, she puts her nose in the air (yes, literally) and walks away from them. Snotty. Really snotty.

I didn't like that shit when I was in school, and I don't like it now.

I particularly hate seeing it in a child who has as much potential as Penny. She has a great deal of influence over the other kids and she knows it.

She's ... selectively respectful to them.

She wants them to fawn over her, but has very little patience or courtesy for them. It's easy to lose her favor, one has only to disagree with her, not respond fast enough to one of her orders requests, or do some other obscure or unidentifiable... thing to make her highness push them away.

She doesn't seem to understand that she's being rude, mean, hurting people's feelings.

She is on the school's 'leadership' team. They have special meetings and they're the ones who get to help lead the assemblies. They're the responsible ones. The ones everyone is supposed to emulate. The ones the adults point to as the 'ideal'.

But it's difficult to monitor everything that's going on with the children. Even in my smaller group it's hard. In their classrooms and other situations, there are so many children and so few adults that, well... she gets away with a lot. She is helped in this by being sneaky and intelligent. She seems to have the adults fooled and the kids buffaloed.

Amelia*, who only attends on Wednesdays now but formerly all week, came to me on Friday morning as I was putting my program away in the back room. She was hesitant and serious.
"Can I... talk to you?" she asked me.
"Of course!" I said. I finished pushing the cart into the back room and sat down at a table with her.
"What's going on?"

"Well I know I don't come here all the time anymore, but I thought maybe you could help me."

I asked her what was wrong.

She said "Penny is very mad at me. And I don't know why. I ask her and she does this," Here she turned, presenting the palm of her hand to me and putting her nose in the air, "And turns her back on me and walks away. I thought at first that it was because I don't come here all the time anymore, but now I don't know. When I ask her friends, they won't tell me either!"

She added, "I don't think they really know."

I promised to talk with Penny and see if I could help. I said that I was sorry that Amelia's feelings were hurt and assured her that I doubted that Penny was mad over anything she'd done. That sometimes Penny just wasn't as good a friend as she could be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All the preceding week, the leadership team had been meeting to practice an anti-bullying skit. Penny and her minions performed it in front of the entire school. She showed up full of pride on Friday afternoon. The kids she chose to allow in her little group during the afternoon were all telling her how wonderful she had been and she was accepting their accolades as usual.

I had to get the paperwork done, make sure all my kids had arrived, talk to Brian* who wanted to know if Penny was going to be there, (she walked in as he was asking, he lit up and literally ran to her to say hi..) track down the one who didn't arrive in program and make sure he was safe, talk to all the excited kids about the parties they'd had in their classrooms, accept the little cards and gifts of candy (I love my job, have I mentioned that?) take care of popping some popcorn, get everyone over to the other hallway to wash hands.. the usual.

Alden stopped by while I was writing everyone in my little book. He had something on his mind, too.

"I feel bad," he said. "Brian likes Penny. Really everyone likes Penny. And she is sort of mean to them."

Alden is really perceptive. He sees things. So observant. We were looking at some old photos of my program the other day and he pointed out all the things that were different from the photo now. Things hanging on the wall, tables in a different location. He has a lot of insight and observational skills, but because he's 8, a boy, and sort of shy, not everyone sees it. He's a neat kid. Although of course I don't have favorites.

So after all the formalities and legalities and getting my shit together as the sole adult on site, Friday afternoon I invited Penny to sit down and chat with me.

I started by saying, "Tell me about the anti bullying thing you're working on, Penny."

She visibly puffed up.

"Oh we did it in front of the whole school today. And everyone loved it and then they took the 'be kind' pledge. Did you see our poster in the hallway?"

I admitted that I had seen it.

It's a rather large poster in the main hallway with hearts all over it. Each heart has the name of a child printed on it. All the kids who promise to be kind and not be a bully and to be a friend.

I said, "Yes, I have seen it. Which part of being kind applies to Amelia?" She looked a little confused. And I told her that Amelia came to me for help, because although she tried to do the things she was supposed to do, talk it out and try to discuss the situation, Penny had ignored her and that it was really hurting Amelia's feelings.

I said, "Penny, if you get up in front of the whole school as an example, and then you treat people badly, then you're not understanding the message."

She looked.. caught.

"And you're definitely not modeling kindness."
She wasn't sure what to say. I let her sit for a moment and contemplate what I'd said.
I added, "When I don't like something someone has done here, what do I do?"

"Talk to them?" she said.
"Yeah. And do I go around hurting people's feelings? Do I ignore them when they're trying to talk to me or be friendly?"

"No." In a small voice.
"No. I don't. Because I try to show you what I expect by being nice to everyone. By using respect for each of you."

"And that's what I expect from you. If you can't solve the problem with Amelia when you see each other again, I will get Mrs. Principal to help you."

I will be talking to the principal on Tuesday because Penny has established a nasty pattern of behavior and it pisses me off that she's getting away with it.

On Friday, Alden* asked her (and this was masterful, speaking of his perception and ability to really see...) "How come you're popular?"

She started preen and talk about herself, and he continued... "Because you're not very nice to people."
TOTALLY deflated her. Instantly.

That isn't my goal, by the way.

She is a smart girl, she's talented and clever in a lot of ways, and if I can help her channel that and (pardon the cliché) be a force for good... well, that would make me smile.

So wish me luck.

The stuff that's going on right now with this kid is going to dictate how she treats people in the future. But she's not going to learn why it's necessary to do the right thing and be decent by punishment, anger or yelling.

I wish I always knew exactly what to do.
Most of the time I fly by the seat of my extra large pants and just hope I don't mess up too badly.