Tough Lessons

One of my kids is full of attitude.

Wait. All of them are. It's part of the whole 'I'm a kid and learning to get along in the world' thing.

But this particular child is... hm. Adversarial. She is bossy and overbearing.

Here's an example. If she wants to talk to someone, instead of walking across the room or the playground to that person, she will imperiously say, "Bill! Come here!"

When Bill doesn't, she gets louder. More strident.
I suggest to her, "Mary*, perhaps you should go talk to Bill instead of yelling at him."

She looks at me like I am an idiot.
Has been known to roll her eyes. Make exasperated noises.
And then will tell Bill, "Come here!" again.

Bill (or Donna or Joe or John) usually ignores the summons.
And then, when they're standing in line to go wash hands, or it's time to sit down for snacks, she will snub that person, as if they've done something to offend her.

This afternoon she was imperious as usual, demanding that everyone play her way. When they refused, one after another, she became more and more angry. She finally threw the LED candles the kids use when they're playing 'the restaurant game' on the floor and stomped away angrily, wiping tears with the backs of her hands. She sat at the homework table with her back to the rest of the room.

Of course I noticed what was going on, but several kids came to report to me just in case.

So I invited her to come talk with me. I was a little less imperious than she was. ;)

I began by explaining that the reason we have so many nice things in our program is because I brought them. "I have spent a lot of my own money to make this a fun place, Mary*, and it's not respectful for you to throw things. Even if I hadn't paid for the candles, it's still not nice for you to throw them. Do I come to your house and break your toys?"

"No." Grudgingly and growly.

"Then please don't come here and break mine. Now, we need to discuss your attitude. You're being disrespectful to the other kids when you are making demands of them. You're expecting everyone to play your way, and to run to you when you tell them to. They don't like it, and they're not going to put up with it. When you are mean to them because they didn't do what you wanted, it's not helping you make friends. I want you to come here and have a good time. I want you to have friends, things to play with, and look forward to your time here. Are you having a nice time right now?"

Of course she was a puddle of tears. I kept having to tell the other kids who were curious and kept wandering over, "Please give us a few moments to talk, we're having a private conversation."

Handed her a tissue.

"I am not angry with you. You're not in trouble. You just need to understand that the way you're acting isn't okay. People don't want to hang around with someone who talks to them in a mean voice every time she says something. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to say to yourself, 'would I be mad if Kate* talked to me this way?' and if the answer is yes, change what you were going to say before you say it. Work at saying things in a way that won't hurt people's feelings. Do you think you can try that?"

She nodded. Still crying.

I hate it when having a conversation with a small one makes them cry. I work so hard to keep my tone even, my face and demeanor very calm and matter of fact, and to not be accusatory.

I don't like the other kids to overhear our conversations, so I take steps to avoid that as much as possible, too. Trying to respect their dignity.

But sometimes the conversations just have to happen.

This child has caring parents who are aware of her attitude, because obviously it's not happening just in my program.

I talked a little with her mom this evening and I know what steps they're taking to work on the issues. She's small and young. I know she will improve her attitude and will adjust a bit... because if she doesn't, she's going to be awfully lonely.

What I really am trying to teach her is, 'Be nice.'

And sometimes that's a difficult thing to learn. I know a ton of adults who not only haven't learned it, but never will.

I wonder if anyone ever sat down with them and tried to explain.