Several conversations with different people in the last couple weeks have featured similar topics.
Don't know if it's the season, or if suddenly everyone is half nutty, but yeah.
Do you know someone who needs help mentally?
Someone who's addicted to alcohol or other drugs, depressed, extremely anxious or otherwise not 'normal', whatever that is?
And here's the big one. No matter how well you know him (or her), no matter how wacky he or she has become, no matter how much of whatever substance is being consumed... can you make them get help? Can you help them?
I say NO. NO NO NO.
Unless the person wants to be helped. To get past whatever it is that's hurting them... you can't do a thing. You can love them. Like them. Do your best to support them in whatever way you can, but can you MAKE them get help? Can you force a fix? I really don't think so.
Part of what prompted this post is that a couple I know has been trying to "help" an alcoholic. I don't know the person they're trying to help, and have only their information to go on, but I have known several people like her, unfortunately. I really wish I hadn't.
People who are not well, and have begun medicating themselves to try and fix what's wrong. Of course, it doesn't work and makes things worse. This person thinks the world revolves around her, and when the world isn't paying enough attention, she does something to try to change that, usually involving an intentional overdose, lots of screaming drama and a last minute save from the poor unsuspecting schmuck she married a few years ago who had NO idea what he was getting into.
The people who are trying to help aren't trained counselors. They have very little experience with addicts and addiction. They just are nice people who want to help. So of course I worry that the addict will make their lives difficult and end up either ripping them off or doing something else to mess up their lives, but there's not a whole lot I can do , so I'm staying out of it except to rant to friends and family.
I know someone who is estranged from one of her children because the child (an adult) is dealing with mental illness.
And no matter what you say to a person like that, no matter how much you want to help, until that person is ready to get some help, it's just not going to happen. And that's too bad. Life is short and all that... much too short to spend away from the people who love you.
So. Can you help? Can you make that person see reason and seek help? Or do you think the same way I do... until they're ready for it, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, it's not going to make a difference. You can't fix them.
No. Unfortunately you can't help someone who isn't ready for help. Similar to quitting smoking, as much as you might want to quit and your family wants you to quit, you can't do it until you are really ready to do it for yourself.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
ReplyDeleteBut the person getting sucked into the situation, trying to "fix" the one with the problem, has to make their own decision, too. Which is painful to watch.
In nearly three decades in and around the car business, I've probably dealt with more alcohol and drug abusers than most anyone except police.
ReplyDeleteWe would send them off to "spin dry". Seldom worked. When it was my decision, they went by by. My responsibility was to the others working at the dealership that had their personal demons under control.
My experience was that often they were thieves and liars, had little regard for other peoples' property, and were a constant danger for sexual harassment claims.
Harsh? My own family has several members with all kinds of "issues". With them, I don't have any good answers.
I understand the motivation of people who want to help a friend who is having trouble, but when substance abuse is involved, it's never an easy straight road. 20 years ago I probably would have felt that I was obligated to help out such a friend, but I know better now. I recognize that the substance abuse is like a second person involved in the mix; sure, you've known and cared for this friend for some time, but this new other person (substance abuse) in their life? Not so much. It's heartbreaking to sit and watch and not be able to do anything unless the friend truly wants help. Figuring out when that moment has arrived is the difficult part, and the addict will burn through many friends in the process.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I laughed when I came across your thumbprint photo at another blog not listed on your blog roll. I thought it was interesting that we both arrived the same spot on the giant internet.
Well . .. you know my thoughts. You've watched me struggle with this one for years. I have finally reached a point where I stay back and love from a distance and just hope that one day that love penetrates the fog and shines brightly enough to guide her to those who love her.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are saying is true. The person HIMSELF has to be ready for rehab or whatever. Until that time, no one can force him/her. Unfortunately that person usually has to hit bottom before they can see that. AND, family and friends feel helpless and DO try along the way and "help". It's a frustrating situation.
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartedly that nobody is going to get help until they are ready for it, themselves. I'm not a professional and wouldn't know how to help them. I would want to, but I also know my limitations.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true and that's all there is to it.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you!
ReplyDeleteTony always used to tell me (in regards to my ex-husband) "You can't fix a broken leg with a band-aid. All these women, all these doctors, all the people who are trying to help him, they are just band-aids. Until he realizes how broken he is, and puts himself in a cast to heal from the inside out, he'll always be broken."
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I think the fact that he never learned that entirely, was what killed him.
you can and should try to help if there is an opening ofr it , but unless they can be proven a danger to self (suicide risk) or others , your hands are tied . We all still have free will to make decisions however bad they may be . I work in mental health and it can be devastating to watch for friend and family
ReplyDelete