Note to a friend

I am not keeping up with anything around the house.
Mostly I lumpishly lump around. Decompression, if I had to put a label on it.

But I have a friend I correspond with. She's getting ready to retire/relocate OUT of the US. I sat here this morning and wrote her an email. After taking out a bit of identifying information, I'm posting it because I think all of you should be reading my personal correspondence. Haha... not really... I just realized I said a lot and wanted to keep most of it, and it seems my blog is the place for that.

::Note to self, copy your blog and get it saved somewhere... adding to list of tech support stuff that needs to happen:::

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I'm glad to hear from you.

Very glad to hear that (her kid)  is leaving her toxic work environment. I know she was unhappy there. I know it takes a lot to stay when things are shit, too.

In the past, I have hesitated to leave even when I knew it was a terrible place because, well,  fear.
Without exception, I've ended up better off because I finally took that step to get away from crappy managers and situations and have regretted not stepping away sooner.

I hope she enjoys hanging out with young humans and doing some good in the world. :) When you communicate with her, tell her I say hello and that I think of her often. Always liked that kid.

I can think of at least 100 reasons to get out of the US. I don't see that happening for us (unless we suddenly end up with a buttload of cash) but would encourage anyone and everyone to get out if they can.

Many reasons. Like a kabillion, as one of my kids says when he is pondering a really large amount of something.

I've had it up to here :::makes gesture::: with what I call the fucking evangenital christians, worried about what's in my pants and who's allowed to touch it. And I'm furious about the idea of them legislating their idea of morality on me or mine.

I could get into so many issues, but I know you're aware of them all, and probably some I haven't thought of. When I was a kid, we were fed the 'best country in the world' line over and over and over. I actually believed it for a really long time, too.

We enthusiastically pledged allegiance and saluted the flag each morning. Sang patriotic songs with all our hearts. Stood up when the flag passed at parades.

 It's hard to escape from childhood conditioning.

I don't hate the idea of our country, but we're nowhere near those ideals anymore. Nothing remains of the good intentions and real patriotism that were there at our beginning. It's not the same country. Not at all.

You're much more well-traveled than I, so I won't raise eyebrows over the idea of going to Mexico.

My exposure to Mexico was limited to a trip down to Tijuana back in 1982 or thereabouts with my aunt Laurel, my cousin Denette, and Eric. It was dirty everywhere, we all had to pee and finally found a bathroom at Tijuana Tilly's. It was overflowing with shit and was pretty much the most disgusting experience I've ever had. Hovering was easier then, my knees weren't bad, but that did nothing to keep me from walking in the shit water on the floor. Unforgettable, at any rate.

On our way back into the US, while waiting in a long, long line of cars, a young man (8? years old or so) put his whole upper body through the open window on the front passenger side of our car and flung out his arms and sang to us. As I recall, he had a wonderful voice, but we were flat ass broke, having spent our very small amount of funds on a malachite chess set and putting 5 bucks toward parking for my cousin's car. So the kid stuck his upper half into the car, sang his heart out and got nothing. I applauded. He looked at me with disgust as he stood up. "No money, Lady?"

Some things never change.
I'm really still No Money Lady. Haha.

Right now, I'm glad I took summer off. It's not just the heat, although that's a factor. The older I get, the worse I feel when it's hot out.

But mostly I'd rather take the financial hit than have anything to do with the shitshow that is summer program. The 'camp managers' are three bubbleheaded twits who think they're 'great with kids'. Spoiler... they're not. Oh, they're not horrible people. They have good intentions. I don't dislike them on a personal basis, I don't know them well enough for that. We move in different circles. We do have things in common... we're all more or less human, we work for the same company, we live in Oregon... but I'm sure they're as eager to spend time with me as I am to hang out with them.

Summer staff are people who don't ordinarily work together at the same sites, so there's no team dynamic. No playing to the strengths of specific team members. They're irritable because summer is hot, the kids are bored because there aren't enough things for them to put their hands on and do, most of the adults are just there to collect an 'easy' paycheck. From the amount of effort they put forth, that's pretty much it.

Thing, is, they're incapable of seeing kids as fellow humans.

Kids haven't been human-ing as long as we have, but they're, you know, people. Unfortunately, many adults can only view kids as something to control. You know, instead of teaching them the skills for self control. It's an overbearing 'for your own good' viewpoint that's condescending, unfair, and subjective.

But they all think giving kids trinkets and stickers is a grand idea. That kids aren't capable of helping clean up or group participation without some sort of extrinsic reward. Drives me bugshit. I refuse to participate in it. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings about it, either. Summer inspires the "adults"?? to new heights of a token economy (bribery and bullshit).

They have big posters with a 'game' board. And for things like cleaning up your mess, (you know, taking responsibility for your own space) they advance the game piece! And everyone can win a prize!!! Isn't that great?!!?

Ughhh... I wrote about it last year. And I'm too lazy to copy/paste. Here's a link.

https://amimental.blogspot.com/2023/07/its-wrong-to-slap-co-workers-right.html

When I worked for the evil empire we had a team that made summer program a destination. We ran at full capacity every day all summer.

We had kids on summer waiting list by the end of February every year. The place looked great, the kids never ran out of things to do, and even though we were the ones who made it happen, (the company never provided enough, so we did it ourselves) we were well-stocked with art supplies and LEGO and toys and books and carpets to delineate program areas. All of us worked together for more than a decade. We were a great team until that fucking shitbag Sherri came in and ruined everything.

I heard a few months ago that she finally got fired. It took them ten goddamn years to DO it, and she really messed a lot of shit up during that time, but I was happy to hear she was fired. Bunch of idiots. Top heavy corporate structure, 100% about making money. Kids don't even matter to them.

I internetted a bit (she has me blocked on FB since I quit back in 2016) but it's pretty amazing what you can find out there without even really knowing how to look. She's now working for Oregon ASK (I think ASK is for After School Kids) but her bio on the website says she was 'laid off' from Champions. Lying sack of shit. I always say if I ever see her again I'm going to kick her in the taco.

I'm actually hoping I don't see her, just so we're clear.

We're living in picturesque squalor here. The house needs to be rewired and we don't have the electrical capacity to AC the place. And of course no funds for extra shit like that anyway.

We have a portable AC in the living room, and it's not bad, but it gets pretty hot in here by 4 PM or so. I open all the windows and put some fans in doors etc to circulate as much cool air as I can before it starts to warm up outside, which is why I'm up right now instead of getting a little not-sweating-like-a-pig sleep. We got up at 3:45 because Eric is working early early so he can get off work early, they want everyone to go home by 1 due to the heat. He left at 5:20.

I have a package in the mailbox across the street and down the block a bit. The full DVD series Game of Thrones finally dropped under 40 bucks and I took that as a sign from the universe and ordered it. I've never seen an episode and have not read the books. I hope I don't hate it.

I'm debating about getting dressed and going to get it. My choices are, get dressed WITH a bra on and walk over there or just throw on some pajama pants, shoes and a sweatshirt and drive over there so I don't have to put a bra on. The choice isn't easy. I need to get it figured out before it starts to get hot out, though. And I do want to go back to bed for awhile. My sleep patterns are sooo messed up right now.

I continue to process growing up in an abusive home. I've had a lot of anger. A lot of being frozen, unable to function very well with housekeeping and important things. I've realized a lot of things I hadn't seen before. A lot of really weird things.

WTF-ness.

Example: When I was born and they brought me home from the hospital, the first thing my father did was take all my clothes off and take a bunch of nude photos of me.
During my childhood and into teen years, he repeatedly threatened me with those photos.
I"m going to show these to ALL YOUR FRIENDS."
"I'm going to show them to your boyfriend."

"When you get married, I am giving these to your husband!"

Seriously. WTAF??? He did not do this with my brothers. It was specifically aimed at me. Did he not like me from the beginning? Who does shit like that? He never showed them to anyone. Nothing ever came of it. But it's fucking weird. Some perverted twisted shit.

Not sure if I told you this, but I had another memory awhile back.

I was 26, married six years already, Matt had just been born. The parents drove 15 hours to see him when he was six weeks old.

I was decorating a birthday cake for my grandma when my dad came into the kitchen. Matt was in a little chair on the counter so I could talk to him while I worked. My dad watched for a few minutes, then completely unprompted and for absolutely no reason I can think of slammed his arm down on the counter next to the cake. In a blustery voice, he said, "My forearms are every bit as hard as Eric's!" 

They weren't.
Dad was an overweight chonky classroom teacher, Eric was a hard working ripped landscaper guy.

You know how you look back and think of what you should have said in response to comments from people?
Things you wish you'd thought of?

Well, it's taken me 37 years, but I thought of what I should have said.
"Don't know about that, but your boobs are as big as mine."

My mom is not as clueless as she pretends to be, we've had many conversations via messenger regarding how mean he was. How awful things had to be for me to have been driven out of the family home at barely 17. (Wish I'd left sooner, actually)

She isn't mentally competent, but she really never has been. Eric and I had an epiphany of sorts a few weeks ago when we realized that Mom is not a high IQ person and isn't capable of a whole lot.

Less now, she is starting to show signs of dementia. At 85 years old, I suppose it's to be expected. I am going over on the 27th for her birthday (we are doing a surprise party, and the real surprise is that I am actually going to go) and after that, I don't really care if I see her again. The only reason I plan to attend is to see extended family, otherwise I think I might have pretended to be really really sick and unable to go. I know how awful that sounds. And for someone who's honest and direct most of the time, even more so. But there it is.

Okay, I have made a decision. No bra, drive to the mailbox. After that, I am going to close up the house and go back to bed.

Edited to add: I did put on a bra. LOL. I also took out the trash and recycling. And then I slept for three hours. Of course I took the bra off before lying down, I'm not an idiot.