What can I tell you?

There's so much!

We've been working on funeral arrangements.
Mom is still not completely alone the way she will be after everything is over. She has people coming to her house and checking on her daily, we (the kids) are calling her every day as well.

Burial will be Friday , family only, no viewing, the actual memorial will be Saturday. Not everyone in our house is able to take the time off from work, but I'll be there.

I wrote the eulogy. Although I'm not horribly sad about his death, I am a little emotional, it comes out at odd times. I haven't shed a lot of tears, but I've thought about Dad every day.

I labored over the words for hours. Took me most of last weekend to get it written, but I think it will be something that brings happy memories for Mom.

I did not say negative things about my father or our relationship. I had been low contact with him for some time because spending time and energy to be berated, ranted at and all the other stuff... well, no. Of course the rift affected my relationship with Mom, too. She was a doormat by necessity (safer for her) and never a mama bear who'd get between her cubs and a mean animal. She couldn't even protect herself, so she definitely wasn't up to defending her children. More water under the proverbial bridge.

I'm mostly sorry that mental illness had so much stigma attached in his generation that admitting you needed help was never a thing that 'decent' people did. It was a sign of weakness, and appearing weak was one of the worst things imaginable.

So although I'm not broken up by the loss, I find myself grieving over what could have been. The dad who was put on an SSRI medication about 15 years ago to help with his blood pressure was a completely different man. He was engaging and kind and funny and did not try to make people sad. That was the father I would have had a good relationship with. Escaping from his control wasn't something he ever forgave me for, he blamed me for all of it.

But of course after being on the medication for a few months , "I feel so much better! I don't need it anymore." And that was the end of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In kid news, I had a first this week.
A kid threw LEGO at me during a tantrum.

Remember Jonah? He works so hard all day long to be 'good' in school that when he gets to me at the end of the day, he's ready to melt down and ready to be grumpy with other kids, too. It isn't his fault. He's five. Kindergarten is hard for most of them, especially really smart guys like Jonah. He's stifled all day long every day. He's acting out because he can't help it, not because he's a mean kid or because he wants to be troublesome.

He needs guidance and patience, not anger from me.

So he got mad at some of the other kids yesterday for using 'too many' of the magna tiles. I went over to the rugs where they were playing and helped them divide the squares into equal piles, but apparently Jonah didn't like the whole equality thing, so he kicked one tile across the room.

I made sure they all understood that they got an equal stack, but that it was fine to combine your stack with a friend if you'd like to make a bigger structure. And that if you weren't willing to share, then please leave the area.

Then I went back to my table, I was still dealing with check in paperwork.

Jonah stomped away from the construction zone carpet with a handful of LEGO.
He was trying to be stealthy as he crawled under my table. He threw two or three of the little bricks at my pant leg, which I ignored. Since his opening gambit didn't work, he tried standing up under the table and pressing on either side of the divide in the middle. He thought he could fold the table up.

Haha, no. There's a latch. And he's you know, diminutive.

I ignored that, too.

He waited about 10 seconds, saw that I wasn't going to say or do anything and left. Went back to the magnets, grabbed his stack and started building as if nothing had happened.

It was hilarious.

I was feverishly trying to finish cutting out the pictures of the kids for the 'trapped in a snow globe' project that was supposed to be a gift for their parents.

In case you wondered (and which of us hasn't?) cutting out 26 kid pics with precision scissors for this project is A: not a project for young hands and B: tedious and fiddly and nit picky. It's another of the 'what was I thinking' projects, except the kids and the parents LOVE them. It becomes a keepsake that is brought out every year. And I'm happy to make that contribution to families.

Once I get past all the work, that is. And here I am, officially past it once again.

The picture I'm going to put in here of the project is about 10 years old. Don't think that breaks any privacy rules since I don't work there anymore and the kid is like 22 now.

Since I took Thursday and Friday off, I wanted to make sure they all got done. All that's left is for my assistant and whoever comes in to help him to help the kids gift wrap them with little plate stands included.

I left craft supplies and pre-punched circles and stuff for a 3d ornament holiday card, too. And of course the site is well-stocked, so the kids won't be bored. Ping pong and other indoor sports along with the games and art supplies and LEGO.

My assistant is capable and the kids will be fed and watered and kept safe. I am really a control freak, so it's hard for me to walk away for a few days, but I am allowed a personal life now and then, yes?

So I will still be blogging sporadically until I catch up with myself. I'm fine. I will be happy to see family members that I love. I will sleep badly in a bed in a motel. I will eat crappy restaurant food and be oh so happy to be back home on Sunday.

Meanwhile, I need to put some laundry in the dryer. And go to bed 'cause I have a long drive tomorrow and my car won't drive itself.