Why I've been sort of away...

I find that when I am really stressed, I withdraw and don't communicate much. I'm not sure why, it doesn't really help and it doesn't make me feel better, but there it is.

I wrote awhile back about not wanting to go see Dad, who is rapidly declining.

I have a million reasons for it and I know that various members of my extended family are judging me and believing that my choice is wrong, but I have no control over what they think.

They have no idea about any of the relationship issues I've had with my father over the years. I'm not bothering to enlighten anyone, either. Not their business. They are free to think whatever they think.

Dad is now in hospice care. His 20 some pills a day are no more. He's on two medications so that he will be comfortable for what remains of his time on earth.

My son and his wife were over there last weekend, and I spoke to Matt at length this week. The things he told me made me realize I have made the right decision for my own mental health.

The person who was my father is gone. Dementia took him. All the things that made him occasionally decent are no more.

The ogre side of him, which has never been far from the surface, has taken over. He's always been mean, but because of the cognitive loss, he has no filter at all.

He berates and verbally abuses my mom, he always has, but now it's an art form. That is, if you can understand the words coming from him. Apparently most of what he says is now gibberish, not even actual words. In the past, once he made her cry he figured his daily task was over. But now, he makes her cry off and on all day long.

Despite the fact that he can't help it, I find that I resent him for that.
Not only is she required to tend to his physical needs (think infant here... diapers and feedings) but to sit and listen to his vitriol and anger even though he has few words. She calls the ambulance at least six times a week to come get him off the floor. He can't walk anymore, but he gets agitated in the night and gets out of bed. He usually makes it about 5 to 10 feet before he falls.

She doesn't notice him getting up because she's so exhausted after taking care of him all day that she sleeps through it. He lies on the floor screaming for her.

Based on the difficulty Matt and Amy had in waking her up last weekend when they arrived at the house, he probably is yelling at her for awhile before she wakes up. They arrived about 10 AM, Dad was screaming from the bedroom, "SALLY SALLY SALLY SALLY."

Matt was holding her hand, patting it and shouting, "Grandma!" at her. It didn't wake her up. He said it seemed like two hours but was probably about five minutes or so. She finally did awaken. Dad was lying in his own shit in their bed. They have a nurse who lives at the end of their road and she's been 'on call' for them, so Matt called her. She came to help, but Matt ended up washing the bedding.

I can't say I ever imagined my son having to wash grandpa shit out of sheets and blankets, but I can't deny being a little awestruck that he did it. I know I could not have done it. I'd throw them away. Gagging the entire time.

So he screams at her unintelligibly all day, he's incredibly angry at her for his situation (this isn't new, he has always blamed her for everything anyway) and he has no brain left.

It's truly awful, made worse because her lifetime of fear over things that made him angry is stopping her from putting him in a care facility. Because he 'won't like it'.

I am hoping that she listened to me and at least asked for some bed rails so that he can't just roll out of bed to toddle away. She rarely listens to anything I tell her, though. Dad's anger over my escape from his narcissism turned my mom against me, too. It's just a fucked up relationship. 

We are hoping that with hospice finally being involved, Mom can relax a little and just spend time with him that doesn't involve changing diapers or trying to get him off the floor.

A few weeks ago, my brothers went to see them (fortunately it was a lucid day.. turns out that was actually the last one of those) and Dad signed over power of attorney. Couple days later he was accusing us (the three kids) of forming a 'medical consortium' to steal his money. After that, he quit any kind of conversation, sadly.

Spoiler... there is no money. However, there's a ton of money going out every month that doesn't need to be, one example... Mom signed up for some kind of cosmetic 'club' over a year ago. She got a couple tubes of makeup but they've been billing her a monthly membership.

She's subscribed to Disney Plus on three different devices. That's three accounts for the same thing that are being paid monthly.

She sent money to a questionable charity. They apparently have several different names for the same "charity", so they sent fund raising letters to her from those "other" charities, too. And she sent money to them. Hundreds are deducted from her account every month. She's always been gullible. It hasn't improved with age.

Steve said that there's approximately a thousand a month being wasted on shit like that.

My sister in law (Jim's wife) has been saying for the last three years that they needed to be in assisted living. We all agreed, but getting the parents to agree? Nope.

Now of course there's no point. He won't be around much longer in any residence.

I used to believe in the christian god. I don't anymore, haven't for a really long time. But I want to believe there is some kind of peace for my dad on the other side. I'd like him to find the peace he wasn't able to find on earth.