What's Bothering Jonah?

Last week, Jonah came to check in after school. He tossed his backpack on the table and put his hand on the table next to my clipboard so I could put his bracelet on. When he went to pick up his pack, a square of yellow paper fell out.

He DIVED to scoop it up and shoved it down into the backpack.
Never saw that kid move so fast!
I said, "What's that, Jonah?"

He looked at me like this:

So I didn't press the issue. I figured he didn't want to talk about it.
He stood there next to me while I gave a few more kids their bracelets, and when the activity had slowed down, wanted to talk.

He said, "You probably want to know about that paper."

"Not if you don't want to talk about it, Jonah. I don't have to know everything that's going on at school."

He stood there a minute more while I was getting other kids checked in. As things slowed down, he asked me if I could tie his shoe. I had him sit on the bench and put his foot up for me, getting down to the floor to tie shoes isn't a thing I can do.

I fixed his shoe and he said, "It's really kind of embarrassing."

"What? Me tying your shoe?"

"No." Shamefaced, looking down. "That piece of paper. I don't like it."

"What is it?" (I already knew).

"It's a paper to say how bad I am being at school."

Shit. I was right.
The dreaded boo boo sheet.

There are different variations, smiley and frowny faces, numbers from one to five, an x or a o in several different boxes...  but essentially the piece of paper accompanies the child everywhere they go all day long... cafeteria for lunch, the gym, music class, library. And each adult looks at the paper at the end of their interaction with the child while the child waits to be judged and found wanting.
All.
Day.
Long.

It's disrespectful to the child.
It's subjective.
Also?
It's fucking meaningless.

If you're not in the schools, you may  not know that they're still hauling out that tired old permanent record trope, too.

Telling five year olds that if they don't straighten up, 'this will go on your permanent record'.
What the hell are you doing?
Really. You're not helping that child in any way.
You're working to make your life more convenient by expecting compliance with every single little nitpicky rule, but, well, you're being an asshole.

So here's how it works.
Mom or Dad talks to the child in the car on the way to school, telling them they better 'be good' all day long. Then they're walked up to the door where the teachers take over. They hand Jonah his daily boo boo sheet and his day of not being able to be himself in any way begins.

He works SO HARD to be 'good' all day that he's ready to melt down when he gets to me. I do have behavior expectations, but they're more of the 'treat other people with respect' variety.

I don't tell them how to spend their time, instead providing a bunch of activities for them to choose from. I back off and let them drive, mostly. But of course there was the whole run away from the day care lady when she blows the whistle thing, which is a safety issue. So that can't continue.

Okay so I digressed here... when Jonah told me that paper was to keep track of 'how bad' he is, I disagreed with him.

"Jonah, you're not bad. You're actually a really good person. You're smart, you're funny, and you're a good friend. Making choices that aren't good doesn't mean that YOU are bad. Everyone likes you, too. "

"My teacher doesn't like me."

"I don't know your teacher, Jonah, but I am guessing she probably does like you. She just has a lot of stuff going on. Sometimes it's hard for people to be patient when there are too many things happening at once. Maybe she's just frustrated. Teachers are people, too. They have feelings and they get tired."

He went to build with LEGO and hang out with a couple other engineer types. I didn't talk with him again that afternoon.

When his dad came to get him, they hugged and high fived. The conversation was animated, Jonah's class is studying some stuff about bugs and he is enthusiastic about sharing what he knows. He was bouncing up and down as he walked with his father, almost shouting about the things he'd found out about bugs.

They walked toward the end of the room to get his backpack.

Then Jonah's whole demeanor changed. I saw him reach into the pack and hand his dad the paper. His body language was tense, shoulders up, jaw clenched. Hope, shame and resignation were on his face as he waited for his dad's reaction.

That end of the room is far enough away that I couldn't hear the conversation, but Dad put an arm around Jonah's shoulders, gave him a little hug and they left.

So I'm glad the paper wasn't the basis for their first interaction. I applaud his dad's attitude. His mom does the same thing, checking in with him first and listening to him about his day before looking at the paper.

I haven't always been scornful of the 'how bad am I'  method. As a young mom with a child in school for the first time, I bought into the whole kids must conform thing. I did catch on, and ended up taking Matt out of school after that disastrous first grade year, but for a bit, that shit seemed acceptable to us. It's hard to admit. I still feel bad about it and it was 30 years ago.

For what it's worth, I have apologized to my son on multiple occasions, and remembered how we all felt during that time. I'm once again grateful beyond measure that I didn't subject my daughter to school. It would have been an utter disaster for her.

But. Those mom/kid interactions I willingly participated in have caused me to see 'my' kids differently. And to spend more time building them up and considering their feelings. There's a saying about how some people's function is solely to serve as a warning to others... my actions and the subsequent feelings I got taught me.
I learned from the experiences and all the things I did wrong. Now I try to do better.

So Jonah spends the majority of his days trying to be 'good' and inevitably falling short. No one is perfect all the time and when the adults around you are primed to look for the times you're not quite getting it, it's a lot of pressure.

And Jonah is five. He may not have the words or life experience to explain, but there's a part of him that has already realized he's been sentenced to years and years of this pressure and he's already feeling it.

Haven't even talked about the stuff going on at home, either. His grandfather has lived with the family since Jonah was born. He originally was going to move into his own place, but then the pandemic hit and he chose to stay with Jonah's family to take care of the little guy while his parents still worked. Now that he isn't needed for that, he got his own place. He will still be a part of Jonah's life, but he won't be there 24/7 the way he's been in the past. I have heard bits and pieces, enough to know that while Jonah understands, he's not happy about it and misses having Grandpa there to tuck him in at night and to spend the days with. Instead, he's been put in school and will only see his grandfather on weekends.

They're a nice family, they love their little guy, and they're doing what they think is best for him. I'm not an authority on that, he's not my child and what I think doesn't matter, but I will do the best I can to take care of his little heart.

He still needs to come in when I blow the damn whistle, though.