But how does it look?

Sometimes I think the people who do the same job I do forget how large our influence over children can be and how long it lasts.

Part of my own success is my ability to remember what it felt like to be a school kid.

I remember many adults in my life at school.
Most of them cared about me/kids in general but there were some who shouldn't have been around kids in any capacity.

Had a math teacher who took a lot of pride in making a small circle of us feel bad on an almost daily basis. He sat in the back corner of the room once he'd given us the daily assignment and made snide comments with the jocks.

He liked to choose a target and then laugh at them with the popular kids under the guise of 'teasing'.

It wasn't funny except to a few people, you'd think he would catch on that only that small subsection of kids found his bullshit humorous, but nope.

In retrospect, I realize that he never grew up. His stunted little mind remained frozen around 5th grade mental capacity and he never grew past that.

Yeah, he was a jerk, but it kind of wasn't his fault.
He really couldn't help it.

I finally realized a few years ago that assholes are usually made, not born. Stuff happens to everyone. Damaged people sometimes lash out and hurt others.

I'm not sure if he knew better, but ::shrug::: even if he did, he wasn't able to DO better. The years since he was able to torment me have mellowed my anger/sadness at being one of his targets for two years in middle school, but I don't remember him fondly.

During that time I had a really amazing teacher, too. She was so tuned in to what we needed as almost-teenagers. When I consciously try to recall most teachers or lessons while growing up, I don't remember much. But in her class there were so many memorable moments.

She liked us. Found us interesting and listened to the things we had to say. She tailored our class to us. Want to put on a play? Great, let's do that. What can I do to help you plan it, what supplies do you need?

Interested in writing a newspaper? Okay, let's do one. Everyone who wanted to participate was given a position at the paper.

Okay, I feel myself sliding off the page and into the fabled Land of Digression once again, so let me drag myself back to the point here.

When we have a 'School Out Day' program, several different adults are on site at any given moment. Something I really appreciate about my current employer is their insistence on staffing appropriately.

No, not according to the state-mandated ratio of 15 kids/1 adult, but really appropriately.

Instead of limiting themselves to state guidelines, on regular days, there are always at least two adults on site. Three or even four during the full day programming. There are enough adults to sit down and play a game of checkers or to work on a craft with one or two or six kids. Enough people to observe issues between young humans and be able to address them immediately instead of rushing from little group to little group and putting out the inevitable fires that flare up in kid care.

The people who work the programs are generally other site directors. People who are in that position have many, many hours of experience to be qualified for that job, and usually years of experience after that.

That should be enough that we're all great at it, right?

The people I work with at this company are intelligent, caring and have a wish for successful programs and respectful interactions with kids.

I've only met a couple people so far that I didn't like, but they're not bad people or harmful to kids, they're just annoying or aggravating on a different level. I'll tell you about them eventually, I'm sure.

The kids, of course, are the same as kids everywhere. Some with special needs, kids with explosive tempers. Kids whose parents can't seem to read the emails sent out a week and again the day before a full day program.

Those emails have a few important points.

• Please no toys from home.
• We serve two snacks, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.
• Your child will need a lunch.
• Due to possible allergies, please do not pack any foods containing peanuts or tree nuts.

Of course people ignore the emails and send peanut butter sandwiches and let their kids bring stuffed animals and toys and sports equipment. At least one family forgets to pack their children a lunch, too. They often expect us to serve breakfast, which is something we don't do either. Yes, we give the kids a snack about 9, but sometimes they've been up for three hours and are hungry by the time we are ready to serve food.

It's frustrating, but it's also not unusual. In the 19 years I've been at this, I've seen it over and over. People just want to drop off their kid(s) and not have to worry that anything bad will happen to them. Craft projects and outdoor playtime and some snacks. New friends. People don't bother to read emails. They're busy. I get it. But it's still aggravating, dammit.

Since we combine lots of different schools and program directors, the chances are good that the kids will see 'their' adult at some point during the day.

All kids are quirky. Some have larger, more vocal/physical issues, too. Emotional stuff.

As far as I'm concerned, as the adults in charge, we should be handling those issues in a matter-of-fact, straightforward manner. Acknowledging the issues in our own minds without calling attention to them/feeding into them is how professional day care providers should be operating. Yeah, we have to treat some kids differently, but it shouldn't be obvious to the other kids. The little special needs guy who's emotionally attached to the nice lady who takes care of him every afternoon and has bandaged his skinned knee or given him a tissue to dry his eyes when he cried... that guy needs to be cared for and cared about, but we shouldn't be setting him apart due to the attachment.

But we get people who are in the business for things like affirmation. They not only want to work with kids... they want to be adored. So when they know a child and that bond has formed, and we're all in a group of other care providers, they like to have that adoration demonstrated.

So at the last few NSD programs (No School Day), one of the 8 year old girls from another school has been there. Barbara's often emotionally overwrought, but clear expectations and continuity in caregivers at those special programs have given her enough structure that she mostly knows how to act and that she'll be taken care of.

However, her regular site director has other ideas about it. Jill does okay while she's there, working with other directors but when it's time for her to go, she doesn't do what the rest of us do.

We gather our stuff, say a general goodbye to the kids while they're all involved in other stuff, wave, and go out the door.

Not Jill.

Jill makes it a point to go to Barbara and say loudly, with exaggerated facial expression and a faux-droopy demeanor, "I'm sorry Barbara, but I just haaaave to leave. But I'll see you next week. On Monday! And Tuesday!"

She doesn't even get Tuesday out of her mouth before Barbara is lamenting loudly, draping herself around Jill's shoulders or waist and saying loudly, "Oh Jillllllll, please don't go!!"

Jill takes a step or two, still with the kid wrapped around her, and then makes the same announcement, pretending to be regretful. "Oh I'm soooo sorry. I have to go now! But I will see you next week! Now let go of my arms."

By this time, two or three of Jill's regular kids are clustered around her, making a scene. And Jill is very proud to be the center of the show. She's performing for the other adults, peering around to make sure we all see how much her special emotional needs kid loves her.

After five minutes (which feels like an hour) she finally succeeds in extricating herself from the young ones and leaves.

It's like turning off a light, too. Barbara immediately goes back to whatever she was doing and doesn't seem concerned at all that Jill left.

Now I don't think Jill is 'bad'. In her mind, she's doing the right thing. Rather than leaving without fanfare, she's trying to make sure Barbara will be okay after she leaves. She just doesn't know a better way to accomplish that. She only knows performance art. Jill likes the kids. Jill likes Barbara. She's a nice person and from what I've heard, does just fine running a site.

Does she do everything the way I would? No. Of course not. None of us do things the same way. For all I know, Barbara enjoys the little show. She sure seems to.

But here's another thing that happened as soon as Jill left.

Emma, who doesn't go to Jill's school, was watching the Barbara/Jill demonstration avidly.

And as soon as Jill walked out, Emma ran over to Dave.
If Dave is even 21 yet, I'll eat the candles on his next birthday cake. Just a kid.

College boy. I see him once a week when he works at my school. That's all his school schedule allows. He's very new at this and although he's very nice and helpful, he's clueless about setting boundaries.

He hasn't learned to start relationships with kids by building in a level of reserve from the beginning. Be approachable but don't allow them past certain limits.

That way situations like this one don't happen.

Emma began hanging on him. Pulling on his arms, wrapping her arms around his waist and putting her face RIGHT there (yeah, there) ... full frontal hug. She tried to climb up his front.

Now she has no idea what she's doing, but acckkk!

And the look on Dave's face was exactly the same look I saw on Philip's face last week when he got caught after he pooped on the floor in the bathroom.

Dave flung his arms up (I am NOT TOUCHING THIS KID, SEE???) and tried to step back, but he didn't know what to say/do.

I intervened immediately, walking over to them both and telling Emma, "Emma, this is not your adult. You can hug your parents when they come to get you, but Dave isn't a tree. Please don't climb on him."

She tried again, but because I'd said something, Dave felt a little more confident in telling her, "Hey, don't climb on me, please."

As her ardor subsided, I reminded her while I started walking away, "Emma, we all like to have our personal space. Let's give Dave his space, okay?"

I started walking away while I spoke because I'm not trying to create drama or tension over what really was an innocent thing on Emma's part. She doesn't need to be made to feel bad, but she does need to understand that what she did isn't a good idea. That she should not feel like she's welcome in any personal space to which she has not been invited and that we are not her adults, we are people she sees at day care. We like her, we just don't want her all over us.

But do you see what happened there? Jill, by allowing Barbara to climb all over her (a safe adult, right?) while the other kids watched triggered Emma to climb on a complete stranger 'cause he was wearing the uniform shirt and therefore HE was a safe adult!

Further, Emma now thinks that playful touching in our day care, which is what was being done with Jill/Barbara is not a thing to worry about. How long before she thinks playful touching in other situations is fine? And will there be a predatory adult watching for signs that it's okay to take advantage of a child's innocence and confidence that friendly adults are safe adults?

We have to be on the front line of defense. If we're breaking down barriers while children are in our care, we're not defending them from predators. Quite the opposite.

I've been through many, many hours of RRCAN training, which is the acronym for Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse and Neglect. Raised two kids. Have been in the kid care business 19 years.

And even though Jill isn't seeing it, what she's doing are grooming behaviors.

I don't think she has any bad intentions, and I'm pretty sure she'd do just about anything to keep kids safe. But she's helping break down that child's barriers to other adults. An adult with bad intentions looks for kids who have areas of vulnerability to exploit.

And this is why I will continue to raise hell as much as I can when I see potential danger to kids.

Trying to get other people to take it as seriously as I do?
That's a little more difficult.

I just stepped away from the company's safety committee, because they're not really worried about things like this as much as they are making sure there's a binder on site with a diagram of how program is set up and daily routines.