In my head today...

I have been introspective more than usual this past few months.

It's a pattern with me, I start to slide back into depression mode (it's just regular depression, no, I am not considering self-harm) and I spend a great deal of time inside my own head.

Memories of everything I've ever handled incorrectly, starting when I was about 14 and continuing until now with particular emphasis on all the mistakes I made raising my children. I really wanted to be a perfect mom. I fell short.

I loved those babies/toddlers/kids/young adults with my whole self. They were the first thing on my mind in the morning when I woke up and the last thing I thought of at night when I went to sleep.

I love them now, too.
Both of them are full of empathy, creativity, kindness.
They're both fiercely intelligent and witty.

I listen to some of the stuff coming from my daughter and am just blown away by how much depth and grit she has.
(And yes, Matt, too, but Lyssa LIVES here... we talk more.)

I wasn't perfect. Sometimes I was alllll the way over into WTF-ness. Say the wrong things, hurt feelings, raised my voice.

In discussions with my now-adult kids, I have made sure to tell them I am sorry for all the times I didn't do the right thing in handling situations.
They've been gracious in return because they are damn fine humans.

I wish I could have a do over.

Got a text from my son this week that said, " I really appreciate how supportive you were of me being creative and trying things, and the learning and growing that I did as a result. I don't think that there are very many parents who let their kids just be themselves as much as you."

So I guess the point is, they love me despite the millions of things I did wrong or failed to handle the right way.

I could look on the other side and say that I probably handled some things okay.
That I really tried.

Another tally in the 'good' column is that my interactions with the kids I encounter while doing my job are colored by the way I raised my own kids. Also part of the equation are all the times I wished the adults around me would have treated me differently.
I've never forgotten what it feels like to be a child.

Other things in my head lately... I married an amazing person. You know the guys who bring their wives flowers and buy them fancy jewelry and take them on exotic vacations? Romantic candlelit dinners and constant and flamboyant declarations of mad, crazy love?

I didn't marry one of those. Thank goodness. I'm too practical.

The man I married goes to work every day. Sometimes he goes when I don't think he should. He's worked so hard his whole life that he's damaged himself. Arthritic knuckles and hands that will no longer close all the way. Aching knees and back. Lots of other stuff, but it's personal. I worry.

He goes every day and hands me his paycheck every two weeks to handle however I see fit.

Haha... he used to get an actual paper check and on occasion was known to hand it off, saying, "Go ahead, take my pay."

If you don't get that reference, you're probably not as old as I am.

He has never complained about the disarray in our house, 90% of which is my fault. He does a little hoarding, too. A childhood of feeling deprived messes with one's head.

Between not being able to let go of 'stuff' and not having the... volition to get up and do something about that stuff has led to a lot of crap packed into corners and bins and cupboards.

The man I married tells me EVERY SINGLE DAY how glad he is that he chose me. How grateful he is for the companionship of the last 41 years. How I saved him from the path he was heading down. That last... I'm not so sure. I won't tell his secrets, but I believe that he is made of good stuff and that he would have straightened out his act and been an amazing person anyway. I'm not sure I can take credit for any of it. But it's meaningful to me that he wants to give me that credit.

He talks about how lucky 'my' kids are to have me in their lives. How much he appreciates the love and care I put into raising and caring for our own two. He compliments my cooking. He says things about how nice my hair looks. That I always smell good. He loves to hug me. We still hold hands when we're out wandering around shopping. We have a million inside jokes. He brags about me to the people he works with.

We still hug in the mornings. Kiss goodnight. Rub each other's shoulders.
He's my best friend in the entire universe.
The yardstick by which I measure other people in my life.
I know some wonderful people.
None of them are as amazing as the man I married.

I have been sorting through the things in my brain more and more. I think having all this time being away from my regular life has made me more introspective, although I've always leaned in that direction.
That obsessive personality of mine.
I suppose I wouldn't change it if I could, because I'd be someone else if I did.

So what's on your mind?