Drama of the Girl People

Do you remember Saturday Night Live's sketch, Lothar of the Hill People? If you don't, look it up on YouTube. It wasn't epic entertainment, but it was amusing.

And when my girls start with their drama, I sing the theme song in my head, substituting the words from today's post title. It helps keep me sort of sane to laugh to myself a little.

The current narrative seems to be that genders should be considered the same until the child decides, but while I respect everyone's right to decide for themselves, I think most of us are easily categorized as male or female.

And my girls fit the girl stereotypes in most ways.

Drama, for example. The bitchy, snotty, arrogant and exclusive girl cliques haven't changed much since I was that age. I love my kids and I love what I do. I even love the drama and the arguing and the crabbiness, because part of that shows how comfortable they are being in my program.

But it can really be a pain in the ass on occasion.

Amelia is one of those kids who either wants to be an adult or has decided that age doesn't matter, she's going to be in charge now.
She often reinforces my decisions/requests/straight up orders to the rest of the group, sometimes immediately after I say something.

For example, I tell Hayden, James and Will to, "Pick up the Bionicles, please. We're going to the gym in a few minutes."

I tell them this knowing that they'll need a couple minutes to wrap up whatever role playing or construction they're working on before they clean up. What I've done is let them know that it's time to start doing that. It's not an order to immediately stop what they're doing and march to the door. I don't run things that way.

But if they don't start putting things away, Amelia will reinforce what I've said instantly. "You guys! Susan said it's time to clean up!!"

I have told her more than once, "Amelia, when you turn 18 and go to work for the company, then you can tell kids what to do. Until then, though, it's really up to me. So please let me handle this."

I say it gently.
With a smile.
I have to say it to other kids, too, not just Amelia. But she's frequently the most assertive of the bunch.

She's trying to show me that she's responsible, I think.
And she does like to tell other kids what to do.

She's a sweet kid, but very controlling. A great deal of the girl drama in our little family is due to Amelia wanting things a certain way. She tells Kaysie and Kellie what to do most of the time, and if they don't do things her way, she gives them mean looks and ostracizes them. Apparently being on her bad side concerns them more than being kind or friendly to the other kids. They are happy to leave anyone out, depending on who Amelia doesn't like or want around. And they're not terribly nice about it, taking their cues from Amelia.

Sophie is in Kindergarten. She's a cute little thing, full of energy and giggles. She's friendly, outgoing and so excited about every project we make. She loves shiny things, little animals, flowers and things that sparkle. She also loves large swaths of color. Using our marker collection, she makes extravagant rainbows on sheets of paper and presents them to me on her way out when her mom comes to get her.

I have several hanging up in our space and have brought home at least a dozen. They end up being recycled, but the gesture from a child whose little heart is full of love stays with me. Such a sweet little person.

When we had the full day program last week, Amelia was the only girl until nearly 10 AM when Sophie's dad dropped her off. She cheered when the opened door revealed Miss Sophie, all decked out in pink sparkly sweats for the day.
They spent the whole day together, playing with the dollhouse, drawing pictures at the art table, giggling over a book in the reading area.

Best friends.

For that day.

Monday was supposed to be another full day program. Amelia and Sophie were having a great time when I left for my break.

But weather related hysteria caused the school district to decide that all my kids had to go home early. At 3. This decision was made while I was home for those three hours. So my office called and notified all the parents before I got back to my site.

All the kids were picked up by 3:15, and school was canceled for Tuesday. I found out it had been canceled before I got up and looked outside to see the inch or two of snow.

So I hung out at home all day Tuesday and accomplished nothing of note.
Wednesday was a regular school day. Kaysie and Kellie were happy to hang out with Amelia. Kellie and Amelia have been friends for a long time. Unfortunately, the two of them and Kaysie often end up hanging out and then exclude little Sophie from whatever stuff they're up to. They're not always nice about it, either.

She asked if she could join their game more than once. Both Kaysie and Kellie looked at Amelia and when she stuck her little nose in the air and turned away, they looked at each other, then they also turned their backs on Sophie.

I talked to Kaysie and said, "Why are you leaving Sophie out? Has she been mean or something?"

Kaysie blushed. "Nooo... but Amelia doesn't want her to play."

"And why does Amelia get to decide who you play with?"

"Well I don't want her to get mad at me."

"So her opinion is more important to you than doing the right thing?"

She just sort of blinked at me.

"I am really disappointed in this, Kaysie. How do you think Sophie must feel when you leave her out?"

Kaysie just sort of helplessly stood there. I asked Kellie to come sit with me, and we had almost the same conversation. She didn't want Amelia to get mad at her, either.

I told her the same thing, that I'm disappointed that she's willing to be mean to someone because Amelia wants her to. That she has a mind of her own and knows better.

"If you and your sister are willing to be ugly to other people because Amelia is, then maybe I should decide for you that you're not going to hang out together. I'm not going to allow people to be hurtful to others for any reason. Think about how you're acting and how others feel when you aren't nice. Please go play and be kind to everyone while you are here."

I talked to Amelia, too.
"So you were really happy to hang out with Sophie. The two of you seemed to have a really good time together. Why are you leaving her out now?"

Of course she didn't have an answer. She made sure to let me know that her feelings were wounded, though, because Sophie apparently told her, "You're rude."

"Well, you're not being very nice, Amelia. What do you expect her to say? When we were here all day you spent all your time together. And now you won't even talk to her. I'd call that rude, too. Perhaps you need to spend some time alone so you can see what it feels like. I won't force anyone to play with someone else, but I won't just stand around and watch while you're being mean, either."

She didn't know what to say, but when she returned to the area where they had been playing with the babies and play food and stuff, she invited Sophie to join them. I wasn't fooled, she only did it because I was watching.

It wasn't long until we all went to the gym to play.

While everyone was running around playing, Amelia went to the bathroom in the gym right after Sophie had been in there. Then she came out and said something to Sophie down at the other end of the gym and made her start to cry.

Sophie made her way to me, a little picture of utter misery, wiping tears away.
While I was talking with Sophie to find out what was going on, Amelia was talking to Kaysie and Kellie and they were all looking toward our end of the gym and laughing.

I was pissed off and wanted to walk over and yell at them. But of course that's not going to help anything. 

Sophie told me that she had gotten some pee on the seat, "But I didn't know it! And then Amelia told me I was a gross pig!"

I told her, "No, you're not a pig. A little pee on the seat isn't a big deal, Hon. Amelia is just not being very nice. I'll talk to her."

I walked across the gym to where Amelia stood. Have to admit she looked guilty.
But I never want to feed them their lines... and I don't want to assume, either. Although I was sure Sophie was telling the truth, there are times that other kids try to get their friends in trouble by lying to me. Making assumptions about what has happened doesn't help much of anything, so I always act like I don't know what's going on.

I said, "Will you tell me what happened, Amelia?"

She glared at me, stuck her lower lip out and folded her arms.
"I didn't do anything."

Knowing that she had done something, I wondered aloud, "Why do you suppose Sophie is crying?"

"I don't know. I didn't say anything about the bathroom!"
Which of course gave her away.

"And you didn't tell Kaysie and Kellie anything about the bathroom either? What do you suppose they're going to tell me you said when I go talk with them? What will they say when I ask why they were laughing?"

"They will probably make up a story that I said something about pee. But I didn't!"

"You know, most of the time, you are kind to everyone here. But when you say something to a person, you should consider what you're saying before you say it. You should say the words to yourself and think about how your words will come out. You should ask, 'am I saying something that's necessary in the first place and is it kind?' before you say anything. You said unkind words to Sophie and hurt her feelings."

"Well she got pee on the seat and it was really disgusting!"

"Well, there are a couple ways you could have handled it besides being mean to Sophie. And calling someone a pig is really awful, Amelia. I am not very happy about that. Can you think of something else you could have done besides being mean?"

"Well she got pee on the seat and,"

"Amelia. How could you have handled the situation in a different way? Was it necessary to embarrass Sophie and make her feel bad?"

"Well she.." and at the look on my face, she trailed off.
She looked down at the tops of her shoes, and then started to cry a little. Tears were running down her cheeks.

"Amelia, you aren't in trouble here. What I'm working on is to help you understand that the words you say need to be kind words. Sophie had a little accident in the bathroom. You could have come to get me for help. And if you really felt it was necessary to talk to Sophie about it, you could have done it without making a big deal out of it. Haven't you ever accidentally done anything like that?"

As a matter of fact, I know she has, she actually wet her pants on one memorable occasion last year. I handled it by making sure no one knew what had happened, I called her mom. No one noticed what had occurred. She was picked up within 10 minutes and not one child had any idea that she was wet.

She grudgingly admitted that she had an accident once or twice.

"Do you remember last year when I had to call your mom to come get you and we didn't tell anyone what had happened? How would you have felt if I told everyone that you had wet pants?"

She looked down. Said nothing.
"I called your mom and made sure your private business was kept private, didn't I? I wouldn't even have considered telling another person. Because embarrassing someone over something they can't help isn't very nice, is it? So you noticed that Sophie had wet a little on the set and you didn't keep it to yourself, either. You told Kaysie and Kellie, too. How would you feel if I told everyone about your accident last year? Do you think your feelings might have been hurt?"

The tears spilled over. I handed her a few tissues, I always have some in the pocket of my sweatshirt.

"Amelia, I don't want to have this discussion with you again. It's not okay to embarrass someone. Sophie is little, too. Do you remember being five? As one of the older kids here, you have a responsibility to set a good example. Hurting someone's feelings shouldn't be a part of our group. Please remember to think about what you're saying before you say it, okay?"

She sniffled. Blew her nose. Said, "I need to go to the bathroom," as Sophie's dad came into the gym. So I walked down to the other end to make sure Sophie was okay. I told her that I had talked to Amelia and that I was sorry that her feelings were hurt.

I talked to Kaysie and Kellie, too. Let them know that talking about someone and laughing at them is hurtful and not nice.

Told them again that if the three of them together were hurting other people's feelings, then the three of them would not be allowed to be together.
"I'm serious about this. You cannot come here and spend your afternoons being unkind together."

They acted like they felt bad about it. And they probably did. The trouble is that it won't last, they'll do the same shit again. That's what they do. It's no one's fault, really. This kind of stuff is how they learn to be nice. I'll call them on it every time I catch it, though.

But it's girl drama, which has been around since time began.

::sigh::