::flop:: drive::: flop:::zzzz

That's the sound of me, falling down with the weight of TIRED.
Often.

It's official.
Made it through my first full week of the new school year.

I am exhausted.
Five AM is early.
I appreciate the opportunity to get a nap in between shifts, but Bob is here visiting until the 22nd so I have been shorting myself on naptime.

I've also been waking up several times during the night.
Pee.
Start thinking.
Lie awake for a half hour.
Repeat.

But I'm ready to go back in on Monday morning with a cheerful attitude.
Or what passes for cheerful in my world.
I wake up with my face all smooshed, stagger into the bathroom, turn on the water and get into the shower as fast as I can.

While I use the wall for support and let the hot water beat down on my head, I ponder about what would be a good activity for the day. Ordinarily I have plans made well ahead of time, but I didn't have all the things I needed for that until this week when my manager person brought some more boxes out of storage for me.

Things are starting to take shape, though. This is the third time I've moved in two years. I packed up a lot of stuff at my old job to bring with me, although I left quite a bit behind, too.

I had a designated space in my new school, and brought in a ton of things only to learn about six months in that my space would be bulldozed at the end of that first year.

If I had known, I wouldn't have worked so hard at making it a wonderful space. It would have still been nice, but I would not have brought in ALL the things.Our little room AND the gym were in the 'footprint' of the new building and had to go. Guess that's why they weren't terribly concerned about the leak in the roof over the supply room.

::sigh::

I packed up again and my stuff was stored at the school for the summer. I had to figure out how to run a program the next fall without a lot of help from my employer. I really needed some portable carts with big cubbies. I asked for them when school got out. They ignored me. Instead, thanks to a supportive custodian, I got some of the school's cast off furnishings. I managed.

And at the end of the school year (June 2018) again had to pack up everything because the whole school was razed mid-summer.

This time all my stuff went to our company's storage facility. I didn't want it to go there, I wanted them to rent a unit out this direction. I even offered to pay for it myself. They weren't having it. I told them that I have some personal items mixed in, although most of the stuff I brought for my program I considered donations. "So I don't really have time to go through everything I have at the school and run a program at the same time. I will need some help with that."

"Oh that's okay, pack it all up together. We'll store it."

The way this company operates, it wouldn't have been the least surprising to find all my things gone through and half of them missing forever. So I put bright orange signs on all my stuff, wrote the name of my site and 'personal items mixed in'. I didn't want anyone taking things I need to run an effective program. I didn't trust them enough to believe that my stuff would be left alone without all the labels.

Then one of the upper management people toured the storage facility and got all pissy about 'why are we storing personal property' and I was told that I couldn't have personal things at work anymore.

I'm pretty sure my manager person didn't adequately explain why things were labeled the way they were, but I don't care anyway. She's very nice. She's not stupid. She's definitely not an asshole like Fluffy was. But she's not exactly an advocate for me, either. How could she be? She doesn't even know what I do!

So 'no more personal items for you at work' they said. They made me sign a piece of paper. Assured me like six times during the course of the conversation that I wasn't 'in any sort of trouble'. Which I already knew.

Not that I listened, one of my bins of LEGO is there, as are the Bionicles and a few little things. A ton of art supplies and specialty scissors and games and little things... doesn't really matter. Much of it came from Goodwill. Other things donated by friends and family. It all helps me do my job better and makes a place for the kids that they look forward to.

I really believe that if a kid has to be in day care, it needs to be a decent place.
They need good books to read, real art supplies and things to create with, and someone who cares about them. They need as many choices as I can provide so they can learn what makes them happy. Exercise their creativity

I won't worry over any of it, if I were to make a decision to leave in the future, it would be a simple matter to take my LEGO and the Bionicles with me. The rest belongs to the kids as far as I'm concerned. I thought that in the first place, so it's not a big shift in attitude or anything like that. And I don't plan on going anywhere for awhile.

And seriously. My employer has very little idea of how my program runs. I still have never had a site visit. My old employer used to monitor their programs every few months. After Fluffy joined the club, the educratic bullshit was pretty disgusting, but they did at least act like they were making an effort to run something that looked like a quality program. Obviously appearances were important to them, even if true substance wasn't.

Annddd once again, I am starting to digress.

My employer told me week before last that I 'don't need so much stuff for such a small program'. The gist of the conversation was that my program has so much stuff and the kids are so happy to be there that when they're stuck going to summer program or some of the other programs, the parents aren't happy.
I know that at least two parents have called to question why other programs aren't as... well-stocked as mine.

I fucking HATE being called into a conference and not being ready with answers... "Really? So kids who attend smaller programs shouldn't have many choices and a good time while they're in program?" Isn't that a great answer? I didn't have it ready on time, though. And didn't say it.

I also would have told them that they really should be trying to figure out how they could add things to the other programs so they start looking as good as mine.

I would have asked them why they care what I bring in, since none of them have ever seen my program in operation. This is my third year with the organization. A term that I use loosely.

Instead, I signed their stupid paper. Added 'I will give you a list of what I've contributed' and handed it back to them.

"We want you to know that you're doing an amazing job. And that your dedication hasn't gone unnoticed."

Okay. But now you don't want me to be *too* dedicated?

AND. I am now driving to the office every Thursday to pick up four pieces of paper. They talk about conservation of our funds (even though we're a non-profit).

Okay, so it's 22.8 miles from my school to the program office. I am being paid from the time I arrive at my school until I get to the office. Unless I pick up snacks... then I have to drive them directly back to my school because I don't have room for all that stuff in my refrigerator. So it's another 22.8 miles.

They're paying me 54 cents a mile. So I am making 22 bucks in mileage reimbursement to drive to and from the office. And being paid my regular hourly wage (which just went up... again) to drive to the office. And if I have snacks on board, paid to go back to my school afterward.

And I'm tired.
Did I mention that?