If you've been reading here for more than a couple months, I'm sure you'll be unsurprised to learn that I usually find it difficult to step out of my comfort zone(s).
I don't like surprises.
I don't like them from work.
From family. From friends. From medical people.
This means don't drop in on me.
Don't jump out at me from around a corner.
Don't startle me.
Don't suddenly change my work location.
I don't even like good surprises.
I prefer to know what's coming, when it will arrive, how long it will last.
Just don't surprise me.
I'll be happier that way. Believe me, so will you.
I'm a creature of habit in so many ways.
Repetition brings me calm/comfort.
I will read new things and watch new movies, but I love my read-100-times-so-what-I'll-be-happy-to-read-them-again-over-and-over-don't-you-dare-judge-me books.
Movies I've viewed 20 times or more are like old friends, too.
I like putting a movie or TV show that I've seen over and over on the TV in the momcave and having it keep me company while I fold laundry or putter around. I clean here and there, sort through crap that needs to go OUT the door, flip the laundry from the washer to the dryer, get a snack, whatever. I can walk in and out and not miss anything, but can pick up the story again as soon as I sit down. No need to pause.
Take now for example.
I'm sitting in a chair with my laptop. Watching (for the 10th time or so) the Netflix series Stranger Things on the big TV across the room. I transferred my orthotics to my new shoes. Made a mental note to get some shoelaces dyed, as I'm out of new pairs to use. Dammit. I could order some from Amazon, but I really don't need more Amazon shit this week.
Kinda pisses me off to have to change one pair of new shoes for another, it's my last stockpiled pair. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit. I have to have a deep footbed to accommodate the orthotics and the shoe needs to be wide, too.
I wear men's size 9 in a 4E width. Which are big and clunky if you were curious. They're big and clunky even if you're not curious, actually. I usually shop at Big 5 for shoes, they almost always have something I can use. When I luck out and find something I really like, I will go to three or four of their stores to get as many as I can and stockpile them.
Ha, another habit. But this one's by necessity. Gotta have shoes that work for me. I have enough trouble with pain issues. No need to add to it.The other new shoes I had been wearing (just swapped them out recently) were making my ankle hurt. Which is of course exactly what I need, more pain in my ankle.Apparently I don't have enough discomfort in my knees, my ankles, my lower back.
So now I'm out of stockpiled shoes and I need to start looking for more.
Ha. I've been hanging out in the momcave this afternoon. I've done some laundry, transferred the photo of my timesheet for work to an email so I could get paid this week, found the ink refills I'd been searching for, did more laundry... zipped in and out and in and out of the room. On occasion I hit pause, some stuff I don't want to miss even if I've seen it several times, but mostly I just let it play.
I know everything that's going to happen. No surprises.
To go along with the strong dislike I have for surprises, I also have a rather large helping of social anxiety. When I think back and try to pinpoint when it started, I can't. I can't think of a time I didn't have it, although it has gotten worse with age.
I can remember more than one occasion where it was nearly paralyzing. Sometimes it's a lot worse than it is now, sometimes it's not too bad. It seems to go in cycles, and they're unpredictable for me.
Emotionally traumatic events make it worse (of course) and recovering from what I consider major occurrences takes me a great deal of time. I think and overthink and over-overthink.
I would change it if I could, it isn't fun, but at my age, it doesn't seem likely that will happen.
I can smile and nod in awkward situations. But I prefer to be on the fringes, observing rather than participating. It's rare for me to go to a social event of any kind. It's just... out of my zone.
I figure out a place to sit where I can escape when I have to go to meetings at work, too. Close to the door so I can go to the bathroom or whatever when I start to feel overwhelmed.
This anxiety made changing jobs, a thing that people do (and I have done) many times, into an ordeal that made me sick with worry and had me on the edge of panic for months. Months and months. It was April of last year before I started feeling any sort of what passes for normal.
So I said all that to say this. Despite all my strange and anxious qualities, I surprisingly still have friends. There are actually people who like me. I mean real people who live near me.
I know. Amazing. For the most part, they can't come over. I'm up for a lunch or shopping trip with a couple of them, but I've become a hermit. I really just don't like people at my house. Even when it's clean. Which it most certainly is not as I write this.
Last month I asked for nice, weighted chess sets if anyone had them. I was trying to teach my kids how to play chess and it was difficult with only one set.
My friend Stephanie saw either my blog post or my Facebook post (not sure which one) and offered me a chess tutor set. The pieces have the moves diagrammed on their bases, so there are no questions about how they move, and the kids loved it.She lives about a half hour away from me, and I was going to go get it at her house, but she dropped it off at my house.
I feel like a jerk, but I don't invite anyone in right now.
Thank you, Stephanie. You're always so generous.
But the house really is a disaster. I'm working on it a little at a time. I'm having a lot of trouble physically, so taking on a cleaning job that's going to take two hours ends up taking me four or five hours because I have to stop and sit down for a bit. I can't do some things at all... can't clean the oven, can't scrub the bathtub. Anything that requires me to get up and down from the floor just isn't going to happen.
And during the school year I am so busy that I'm really only home long enough to mess things up. Getting up at 5 is just too early for me. So I take a nap every day, or almost every day. I manage lunch. Sometimes toss in a load of laundry or run the dishwasher.
But now I'm on a different schedule. Not working as early in the morning or staying as late in the afternoons. I can actually cook dinner most days.
And I'm able to do a little cleaning.
It's... improving. Slowly.
My biggest mess is the kitchen table. I can't seem to keep it cleaned off. I clean it off and I hate myself for how piled up it gets, and I tell myself that I'll never let it get that way again. For someone who doesn't like dishonesty, you'd think I would manage to be more honest with myself.
But I've started either throwing away or putting away or otherwise redistributing five things every time I walk past. It has made a difference over the last few days. By mid-October, I may be able to actually use the table. Slight exaggeration. Very slight.
So is your house clean and neat? And if it is, how the hell do you manage that?
I’m a clean freak; a perfectionist; everything has a place person. I have boxes, crates, bags, etc, with everything neatly ordered and labeled. Of course, thanks to memory problems, I can’t remember what is where. 😀
ReplyDeleteI am as far from a hoarder as you can be. That said, health problems have crippled my ability to keep things how I want them. Four things on the table is still a crisis, but when I can’t walk to the table....well...live with it Bruce. 😀
You are fine just how you are, my friend. Much like you, I do not like drop-in unannounced visitors, I’ve been known to leave people who know me standing at the door while I’m sitting five feet away. 😀 People who really know and understand me know to call ahead. It’s not that I don’t want to see them, but I get embarrassed when everything is not in its place. I know they don’t care, but I care. That’s just how I am, and at age 61 it is unlikely that I’m going to change, 😀
There was some do-goodie asshole a few years back who was door knocking for whatever shitty candidates were running back then. After he'd been in our area (he lived in a more wealthy area) he took the trouble to write a snippy letter to our local paper. In it, he said that we had 'too many dogs' in our area and that they'd barked as he approached the houses! They frightened him! And he could tell that people were home in the evenings, their televisions were on! And many of them didn't even answer their doors!!
DeleteIt was a really dumb letter, and one of the more condescending things I've ever read.
I couldn't let it go by, of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How very philanthropic and altruistic of Mr. Albert Kaufman (Letter to the Editor, Dec. 18) to descend from Mt. Olympus and spend the month prior to the election intruding on the lives of strangers, pushing his political views. Further, how incredibly helpful of him to write a letter to The Outlook to “suggest improvements which might be made” in Gresham.
Where I live, it’s considered impolite to drop in on people when they’re relaxing at home, and completely rude to cast aspersions on their choices. Among mortals, we believe that all people are different and that there is more than one way to live. I’m astounded that Mr. Kaufman has the temerity to write a letter to our local paper commenting on choices that do not match his. Maybe manners are different where he lives.
Mr. Kaufman expressed concern about dogs barking when he approached their homes. Dogs are territorial animals, and most are quite protective of their homes and the individuals residing there.
This is what dogs do.
It’s their job.
Home protection is only one reason people own dogs, however. They are also companions and friends to many, although from the tone of his letter, I don’t think he’s had the opportunity to bond with a dog.
He strikes me as more of a cat person.
I won’t comment on people’s television viewing habits, since that is a personal choice. Thank you, though, for taking time to write about them. If your comments are ever aired on television, I am sure many will hear and ignore them.
He ended his letter with, “Hopefully, my comments will help you out.” Well, Mr. Kaufman, thank you so much. I polled my neighbors, and we think that what would help the most is for you to stay with your own kind up on the mountain, now and during the next election as well. We’re fine down here.
Awesome letter, my friend. 😀
DeleteMy closests are a nightmare right now. All of them! But overall no, I like things in their place. I helped a neighbor. She acted like I gave her millions. I found it fun. We laughed, we drank wine, we organized. It took us 3 days for the kitchen alone. But we did it. She still says come in every time I see her to show me how organized everything still is. She cracks me up. My husband, well he is a hoarder and his garage gives me the hebby gebbies. Seriously it gets my heart racing and I just hate being in there. I begin to move things and he freaks out so if he can live with it let him. I stay away.
ReplyDeleteI've had a couple friends offer to help me get things organized. Promised not to judge. And I have really good friends, I know they wouldn't judge me.
DeleteBut I'm embarrassed about the dust and the mess. So haven't taken them up on it.
A couple years ago my son came and helped me for a day every week or so and we got a ton done. Lots of stuff out the door to Goodwill, things organized.
But of course we didn't finish, and now a lot of it is back the way it was.
::sigh::
I'm a bachelor and my apartment is a stereotype of the careless bachelor. However, it is never filthy.
ReplyDelete90% of my shoes are New Balance 10 1/2 4E.
I wear New Balance. I've tried other brands, but my shoes have to be so... specific with the depth of the footbed and the breathable mesh etc... it's hard to find what I need.
DeleteI can't say that my house isn't dirty. The kitchen counters are clean. We wear clean clothes and we shower daily. But my bedroom is dusty. Very. And there are a lot of dirty corners in our house.
HA HA HA HA. No. Just no. I have seen people with multiple kids and their carpet is clean, their house is pleasantly scented with candles and ? No toys anywhere and I was like.. how? Their kids were slightly older, but still. I can't see our house EVER being clean.
ReplyDeleteI took on 'minimalist month' in January. You know, new year, new resolutions and all that. The idea was to clear 1 item on day 1, 2 on day 2, until you've cleaned something, even pieces of paper, every day for 30 days and it amounts to a lot. I did clean out several drawers and some closets. What I ran into though, was that even though things like papers pile up to be dealt with, eventually they get used/recycled/filed. What I can't do it make my spouse clean up his own crud. He admitted the last time he 'cleaned' that he gave up and just put everything back into the boxes, including empty boxes, packages, etc. he just packed up his trash. All of his spaces are like this and never get cleaned. I suspect he has a heavy dose of spectrum/add -- he just can't see a project without devoting an hour or more to it, and then forgetting that the rest of the world exists.
I've tried 40 bags in 40 days but I don't have 40 days always in a row to do that. Nor enough of my own 'stuff' to fill 40 bags. I've long since donated all my outgrown clothing and have a regular 'donate' box for mcdonalds toys, duplicate books, and the like. Everyone appreciates the cleaned drawers/areas, but do little to help me keep them that way.
I just don't have the time to get my spouse to do his own thing. I've repeatedly helped him with the garage, either so we can disinfect from recycling/bugs--to help someone else or ourselves by fixing a car, or for him to get some organization, but I can't force him to put stuff away, and I shouldn't have to. He's a grown up.
He actually said to me that in the case of him cleaning up his 'tinkering area' was that when we got ready to move it (to tear down a wall and make room for the kids to have a 'new' space, which is DESPERATELY needed)-- that he would clean it when he moved. He refuses to get rid of the computer books from the 1990s despite it all being common knowledge, online or easily packed into boxes. Nor will he pick out other storage cubicles, etc. or agree on anything. I think he just enjoys making me crazy. He's taken over a 6 ft table in our living room too, to 'fix something' that's been there for over a year, and the project has moved out to the garage, yet the table remains and more junk comes in. Terribly annoying. It's too bad his junk room is priority over our kids personal space, but that's the way it is. We cleaned up a 'drop' area which held junk because he could drop stuff there, and what was supposed to be a box to put his work lanyard, keys, and wallet is now over run with hats, receipts, etc. despite there being plenty of room for these things elsewhere-- and I've already purged it twice in the last few months. Yet he's adamant that he does just as much work at home that I do. Indignant, in fact. He just doesn't care about clutter, or anything that doesn't immediately affect what he needs at the time. It doesn't occur to him that perhaps his junk is impeding what *I* want or need.
It sounds like a difficult situation. Have you ever thought about sending him a letter? You could send him what you just wrote up there ^^^.
DeleteOn the other hand, I know you guys love each other and are mostly happy. Choosing your battles, a phrase I've heard a lot, really does make sense.
I know why we like you. And I get the hermit stuff, I had to go to a baby shower this weekend, and the truth is I wished I had just given the gift to her Mom (who I work with) and made an excuse. I don't mind people coming to my house, but that only happens 4 to 6 times a year. We don't generally invite people, because Romeo is gradually turning me into whatever he is, which is happy at home with me ~ he doesn't need anything else, which is good and bad. But it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteI've learned that I hate mail, and let it pile up in the mailbox for a week before I go get it. Then it takes me forever to sort what needs to be shredded, filed, thrown out. As I speak there's a nice size tote bag with junk mail in it. Why do I let it pile up? No one knows. But there are still people who call themselves my friend anyway. Life is good.......
OH MY GOD THE MAIL.
DeleteThat's a lot of what's on our table, actually. I hate the mail, too. We do all our bills online, I can't imagine why I still get so much damn paper.
And yeah, we're a country of two. I mean, the kids stop by now and then, and we're always happy to see them. But we're happy being here in our (messy) haven.
Mail! It's indoor kudzu. I've got at least three mounds (really the only word) of it to go through. Stuff I don't need, too much personal info likely to be on it to just trash without shredding. Oh, well, I suppose it keeps the Postal Service in business.
Delete::snicker:::
Delete'indoor kudzu'.
I swear my mail actually breeds in the stacks.
Sounds very familiar. People are oblivious and complicated and demanding and difficult to deal with, and we all just need a vacation from them sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI bet my place is more of a mess than yours. Nobody ever comes here, so housekeeping is one of the easiest things to let go. Because I anticipate moving at some time in the future, I started going through my stuff a few months ago, took about eight carloads of stuff to Goodwill and almost as much to the dumpster, and then just ran out of steam. Sometimes when you don't feel like doing things, you just have to indulge yourself.
Moving. Oh my god. We haven't moved since 1996. And no plans on doing that anytime soon. I'd rather go through labor than move, if you really wanted to know.
DeleteI often don't feel like doing things. I indulge that a lot.
I love it when my table is clean and shiny! I don't know why I can't keep it that way. With just the 2 of us,you'd think my house would be clean, but it isn't. My kids are all coming home this weekend, and I keep thinking I'd better get it done, but here I am on the computer.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest son told me a few years ago that we should be getting rid of stuff. I asked him what fun would that be. I don't think he thought it was funny. Oh well, they may have to pay someone to pack it up if/when we go to the home or our heavenly home. I told him there were people that would do it, but he'd have to pay them. LOL! My hubby actually cleaned up his 'man cave', but he took a bucket of books out and told me he was taking them to the library. I told him, 'no, he's not. I wonder who will win?
I can sympathize with you, but it doesn't make me have any more 'oomph' to get it done.
We have books hoarded. And some of this. And some of that. And more of that other thing.
DeleteI can't seem to get that oomph either.
You sound like me. I don't like surprises either. I have social anxiety and agoraphobia but I'm working on it after having not left my apartment for 10 years.
ReplyDeleteIt must be really difficult to have that going on. I have a lot of anxiety, but I can go and smile and nod if I absolutely must. And I enjoy working, but changing my job was a deeply wrenching and damaging experience for me due to the anxiety factor.
DeleteThat's us too. I have found the blog "A Slob Comes Clean" to be helpful. I recommend starting at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI will look it up.
Delete