Visiting Butthump Oregon Part 1

I think all families have their areas of dysfunction, really. Ours is no different. But I have finally reached a place of humor when thinking about the shenanigans my parents get up to. Oh sure, some of the stuff they do drives me nuts, but you know me... I see the funny side, too.

Here are some highlights of the recent visit.

My parents are hysterically funny at times.

The dog... well, they're not great dog owners. They love that dog. And they let her run things.

When they sit down to eat, they take the small white plastic cup they use to scoop dog kibble and fill it about half full. It sits on the table between them. Whenever the dog grunts at them or stands up on her hind legs and scratches the shit out of them, they pour out six or eight little pieces, thump them off the table onto the floor and the dog chases them all over, inhaling consuming them in seconds.

Then she comes back and grunts at them again.

Repeat.

While I was observing this behavior with a shocked face, my mother turned to me and said, with complete seriousness, "I wish she wouldn't beg at the table!"

I said, "Well, you've trained her to ask for food at the table."

"No, I didn't. She just learned to do it on her own."

Picture me slamming my head on the table repeatedly here...

The dog sits on my dad's lap, 'washing' his hands.
While he just lets her do it.

I said, "Dad! For goodness sake, she licks her asshole!"

He laughed at that.
And continued to let Miss Ass-licker clean his hands with her tongue.
Guess.
When he went to the kitchen for a snack he very carefully...

 Washed his hands

Did not wash his hands

Probably should have washed his hands

They argue all the time about everything. Not big ugly arguments, just nit-picky disagreements. It's not a fight, just a constant string of disagreements. They argued quite a bit about the grocery list. I brought them a bunch of groceries when I came over, knowing they were broke. They've *been* broke for most of their lives. It's not new. They had no paper towels. Maybe three rolls of toilet paper. Very little in the way of reserves.

I brought soup and tuna and cans of beans and other staples.
Tossed some things in the freezer that I'd brought over, still frozen.

So Mom thought they still needed a few things and Dad didn't, told her that she could 'wait until his SS check comes in.'

Then he turned to me and started trying to explain where all their money goes.

I told him that I don't need to know...that it doesn't matter.
"I seriously don't care, Dad."

Then he felt like he had to tell me about everything he owes and how much he spends and why he doesn't have any money.

I said, "Dad, I have too much month at the end of the money sometimes, and I don't think less of you or cast aspersions, it is what it is."
But they are kind of... strange with their expenditures.
For example...
My mom HAD to have a walk-in tub.
They'll have to pay for the bathtub for a long time.
The same tub you can buy on Amazon for about $3500 is costing them about 14 thousand dollars.

I don't think they'll live long enough to pay it off. It's like 10 years of payments!!

They sort of got ripped off if you ask me.

(no one asked me)

☹️

My mom is really excited about the tub, though. And she's using it daily. She hasn't been able to take a bath in years because she can't get up and down from a regular bath. I understand, as I can't do it either. I make do with daily showers.

Mom's tub has rainbow lights.
My dad (joking) said it will probably "turn her gay"

Every fifteen minutes, the clock in the living room goes
BONNNNGGGGGGG!! And then, because one BONNNNGGGGGGG!! is nowhere near enough, it does it some more.

BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

And the dog yaps quite often, too.
YAP yap yap yap YAP
BONNNNGGGGGGG!! YAP yap yap yap YAP
BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

YAP yap yap yap YAP
BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

YAP yap yap yap YAP
BONNNNGGGGGGG!!

My parents have a barnacle, too.
The Barnacle is with them quite often...probably casing the joint.

The Barnacle is a ex crack addict that has attached herself to them.
She first came to their church several years ago, after she got out of jail.
Apparently she had quite the police record. But she served her time and got clean.

She's my age, and after many years of drug use, isn't all there upstairs.
When we went to visit my parents over Christmas a couple years ago, she did this long, rambling diatribe about how she loved my parents and really, we could be sisters because my mom and dad were like the parents she never had and blah blah blah. We all (meaning everyone except my oblivious parents) maintained an uncomfortable silence, looking at each other and wondering WTF???? but no one said anything. My mom and dad seemed to just think that her outburst was fine.
:::shrug::

Eventually she ran down and we got back to celebrating our holiday.

She's my age, but she looks a lot older. And well she should, she's been through all kinds of hell, a bad childhood, a bad first marriage, the loss of her oldest child a few years ago, a bad second marriage, the drugs, the jail time... yeah, I'd look like I was 80, too.

I don't hold any of these things against her, by the way. She has been clean and sober for years, she holds down two jobs plus comes to clean my parents' house, as I guess, as much as possible, she's trustworthy.

I'm glad she's able to help my parents a bit, neither one of them can do a lot of housework, and although they're paying her for her help, she will do absolutely anything for them. The arrangement works.

She works at the hospital, where they require constant drug testing, so that helps me feel a little better about stuff.

My parents spent a ton of money a few years ago to get hearing aids.
Neither one of them wears their hearing aids, so there's a lot of

'what? what?'

They'd ask me something and I'd answer and they'd both go 'what'??? until I repeated it four times, practically shouting myself into a hemmorhage... It sounds obnoxious, and it is, but it's sort of hilarious, too.

They yell it at each other, too. It comes out "Hwut??"

Like this, from the back room of their double wide, "Sally, where's my glaisses?" (that's how it sounds, and yes, my dad thinks a uterus is a homing device)

"Hwut Gene? Hwut?"

"MY GLAISSES!!! WHERE ARE MY GLAISSES???"

So it's like a symphony.
Imagine the Blue Danube Waltz here...

Yapyap yap yap yap
BONG BONG bong bong
Yapyap yap yap yap
BONG BONG bong bong
Yapyap yap yap yap
BONG BONG bong bongYapyap yap yap yap
Where's my stuff, where's my stuff??
BONG BONG bong bong bong bong bong bong
HwutHwutHwutHwut

Well, you get the idea. And if you don't, call me up. I'll hum it for ya.