Transitions

During the break program, we had Kevin.*

Kevin has been a guest of our state's foster care system, although he's currently living with family.

He has anger issues.

Kevin is a slender little guy, all wiry muscle, big eyes and energy. He's seven years old. He is quick to become angry. He growls. At the other kids, at adults, at anything and anyone who upsets him. A lot of the growling is for show, as being mean and/or out of control gets him attention. It's not unusual for a child to search for negative attention when he's had such a small amount of *positive* attention in his life. He is physically violent, although usually he takes his anger out on things, not people.

Usually.

He is taking medication that's supposed to help him with his issues. I don't know what he takes, and I'm not sure which issues it's supposed to address. He is now and always will be, a handful.

When I had him during the Christmas break, he was great one day and scary mean and nasty the next. After one particularly ugly incident, in which he threw toys, screamed at his friends and violently twisted away from me when I attempted to put a hand on his shoulder, I sat down with him.

"Dude. You had an awesome day yesterday. This morning was pretty good, too. Why are you so crabby all of a sudden?"

"Oh. I guess my pill wore off."

"Oh. That one doesn't work on me, Buddy. Your pill may help you focus on your schoolwork but your pill doesn't help you know the difference between what's right and wrong. You know that without taking a pill."

He tried to insist that it was his pill wearing off, but I won't let a child weasel out on that. We had an agreement that if he was mean to other kids again, that he would have to play by himself for awhile. We agreed together that everyone who comes to the program should feel safe and not have anyone being mean to them.

He mostly did okay for the rest of that break, but he went back to his regular school and regular site afterward. The behaviors that are so firmly ingrained in him are still present, of course. The things that people are working with him to change aren't always consistently worked with, so he pushes as much as he can.

During Spring Break, he was a little better in some ways, about the same in a couple other directions, and worse with the screaming/growling/acting out.

It was a little frustrating.

I discussed him with one of the other people I was working with that week. She told me a little of his story. I did not know until then that he'd been in foster care and did not know the makeup of his current family life. It explained quite a lot, although it doesn't excuse it (can't give a child a free pass due to circumstances beyond his control... he still has to maintain a minimum standard of behavior due to safety issues) it does cause me to look at him a little differently.

I realized that part of his anger is that he has a very hard time dealing with transitions. He feels that everything is out of his control and it makes him angry. So instead of the regular five or ten minute warning I give to kids when we're going to change activities, I gave them all a half hour. I announced whatever change ("We're going to have lunch in half an hour") several times at about seven minute intervals. As the time for us to switch activities grew closer, I gave a five minute, three minute and one minute warning.

And just like that, about half his anger went away to wherever it goes when he's not so mad.

He was still not as easy to deal with as some of the other children, but the activities I brought were of the more active variety, he was able to see changes coming down the road with plenty of warning, and as a result, he was calmer.

In addition, I never changed my tone with him. Never showed exasperation, impatience, anger. I tried very hard to keep my tone even, my expression neutral and my internal attitude one of compassion. When things were going well, I made it a point to sit with him, to chat with him, to joke with him and to treat him the same way I treat all the kids. Like someone special. It's hard not to respond to that, you know?

He can't help the things that have happened to him. He really isn't able to control his reactions yet, either. He's like a baby in some ways... still learning to decide how to feel/react to things. His emotional growth was stunted by the circumstances that put him in foster care in the first place and since then, over and over by being placed where the court thinks he should be more than once. He's been moved to more than one home and has attended more than one school. It's not easy for him to make friends, obviously. He hasn't been consulted about any of these decisions, either. No wonder he feels powerless and lashes out.

This is another child (surprise surprise) who has gotten into my heart and caused me to consider his well-being and hope better things for his future.

:::fingers crossed:::