In my job, I sometimes care for children who have divorced or divorcing parents. As you can imagine, it can be really hard on the kids.
A few years ago at one of the seven or eight schools I've worked in, we had a non-custodial parent make a half-assed effort to take one of our kids out of the program one afternoon. Since that parent was not on the authorized pickup list, we called the other parent. And that parent said, "NO!!! My child is not to go with that person! I have a restraining order!"
That was an interesting afternoon. Everything ended up okay, but the child was traumatized and his/her feelings were hurt. Law enforcement was involved, and paperwork and interviews had to happen. Not a good scene, and by necessity, other kids in the program saw what was going on.
::sigh::
Another time, a parent called my program to find out if a child was attending that day. After making sure I knew who the parent was, I verified the attendance. And s/he said, "I guess I'll just tell my ex to pick Chris* up there, then." And slammed the phone down. Okay then!!
I found out later that there was a lot of bad feeling between the parents and that neither one of them was thinking about the child(ren) first, instead nurturing their own anger and bad feeling about the other parent.
It's hard on the kids when people do that.
I do understand marriages and/or partnerships not working out. And that sometimes there are children involved. I just don't understand being mean to or about the other parent. The child only sees that Dad and Mom don't like each other anymore, and it has to just be mystifying to the kid that the two people s/he loves most in the world are angry enough with each other that they say mean stuff about each other in front of the kid.
I've seen it enough in some of the kids I work with that I sometimes want to shake the parents involved. I want to ask them, "Do you not see what you're doing to your child by acting this way to the other parent?"
But of course they don't see. If they did, they'd not do it. At least I hope.
They need to realize that someday, the child will grow up and realize on their own that not everything is perfect between parents and eventually draw their own conclusions about blame, anger and all the baggage that goes along with the shattering of a marriage.
I wish that people would just... be nice.
Am I asking too much?
my brother got divorced from his first wife. he had always been in love with someone else (and incidentally, she was married, and she got divorced and they married each OTHER, so it worked out okay in the end).. but I've always admired how they kept their mouths shut in front of the kids about the other parent. No matter how sucky of a job they thought they were doing, they just let it go. If it affected the child, they did make a move to say, get the kid in their house so they DID DO their homework, etc. but they were not openly critical or hostile.
ReplyDeleteEven if the parties involved were just... neutral... that would be better. The obvious hatred and anger are so bad for the kids to see. I don't have anything like that going on this year, thank goodness, but I heard about a situation recently that made me start reminiscing. I guess it would be ideal of people would just think of the kids first.
DeleteNo not asking oto much, some folks cannot get past the anger and ego to recognise how damming their actions are
ReplyDeletealso , sorry to have been so absent, internet issues
DeleteI understand the anger and the sadness, too. And the need to vent. But I just can't imagine doing it where the kids can hear it.
DeleteIt's a sad situation and unfortunately it happens often. Much too often.
ReplyDeleteI've seen a good deal of it. Wish I hadn't. Wish more that the kids who've been involved hadn't seen it.
DeleteAs the custodial parent, I never bad mouthed me ex. She bad mouthed me. As adults, my sons don't have much of a relationship with her. All my fault, she says.
ReplyDeleteMy kids did have one sane, stable parent, and have grown into good adults.
Hate the hurt those kids feel when their parents tear each other apart.
I'm glad you didn't bad mouth her. Kids are smart, you don't have to smack them over the head for them to see... it sometimes takes a few years, but they get it eventually.
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