I don't kneed this.

Ha, did you notice what I did there? Kneed. Ha ha.

So a week from today (today being Thursday) I am to attend a hearing regarding the compensability of my right knee injury.

I really don't know what to expect. At all. Of course I'm apprehensive.

I keep telling myself that other than the comp insurer's attorney wanting me to quit my job, I've been treated with respect by everyone else involved in my case. The IME doctor. The physical therapist who examined me to decide whether or not I was impaired and whether or not I could use crutches to get around post-acl repair.

The medical arbiter doctors (THREE OF THEM) in a tiny little room deciding if I still had some minor disability with the post surgery knee. They were polite and also found in my favor.
Well Duh!!!

I am not, and will never be, the type to play games and be an asshole who tries to collect disability payments by fraud.

When I first wrecked my right knee in January, I went around and around with the original treating physician about being allowed to work at all. He wanted  me home, off the knee, and safe. He expressed concern about the possibility of me falling. When the physical examination of my knee hurt so much that it made me cry like a baby, he was stunned when I was still adamant that I did NOT want to be away from my job.

It was only after I solemnly promised to wear the immobilizing brace, sit as much as possible, use my crutches and call him immediately if there was a change in my condition or pain level that he agreed to let me return to work.

It was... hmm. No way to make it look pretty. It was fucking hell. It hurt so much that I bit bloody little grooves into my bottom lip when I was forced to be up and about for long periods of time at work. I couldn't keep up with the kids, I couldn't give 100% to my job, Diana* had to take up the slack... moving tables and setting up the majority of our program every afternoon.

I didn't sleep a full night for WEEKS. What's worse is, I STILL do not sleep a full night without the knee waking me up at least twice.

Kids, that ain't arthritis. Which is what the comp insurer wants to say.
As in, 'well, you're fat and you have arthritis.'

Bunch of Einsteins, they are.

I could have collected disability all summer long, really. Could have said how much it hurt and sat on my ass all summer. Could still be complaining constantly and faking it.

Am I?

Shit no. Worked all summer, although I wasn't able to go on any field trips. Which I hated to miss... I always enjoy them so much. The kids expressed disappointment, too.
In fact, Rachelle* was talking about one of the field trips yesterday afternoon and told me that she wished I'd gone so I could have led the singing on the bus to and from.

(Yeah, I know. But it's like, my only talent. Shut up.)

So let me sum up here.

I get that there are people who milk the system.
I have not done that.
I will not do that.

Along with my work ethic, I have integrity. A lot of it. And I think what bothers me the most about all of this isn't the pain of two surgeries and the possibility of a 3rd. Not the months of rehab. Not the anxiety over my grateful company yanking my health insurance benefits while I was healing from the first surgery.

Nope. Now mind you, all those things sucked, and I was and am still aggravated about all of it.

But these people (Statesman and Philanthropist) are questioning my integrity. And that? That REALLY pisses me off.

They have no idea who I am. No idea about how hard I work, the dedication I have to my kids, the hours I put in at home surfing the net for project ideas. The amount of money I spend out of my small salary to buy stuff for my kids. The professionalism I display on a daily basis, the relationships I've built with the staff at my school, my co workers and my area manager.

I'm a babysitter. But I am a goddamn good one, I'm an asset to my company (even though I hate corporate bullshit worse than almost anything) and there are no words to describe how angry the questioning of my integrity and honesty makes me feel.

My knee hurts like hell in ONE specific spot. The dull ache of the arthritis isn't actually that uncomfortable on either side, and I do pretty well in that respect. But the hot, thin bladed knife that stabs my right knee in the same place every time? And more when I take a misstep like I did this week? That's NOT arthritis.

Know what kills me? The medical experts paid for by the insurer both said that I have a tear in that knee, caused by a work injury.

And they've denied it.

Which is why the attorney. And the hearing. And the angsting and anxiety and worry and aggravation.

Which I've just poured out here so I can sleep tonight.

On the good side, I am going to take a hot bath before bed.
On the iffy side, I am not at all sure I'll be able to get up and down out of the bathtub.

That ought to provide entertainment to the guys from 911, huh?