Is my monster back?

Monster is such a mild word for such a complicated thing as the creature who sometimes controls me.

It will have to do until I come up with a better one. One that feels right.

For about a month I've been starting to feel anxious and have the up and down and up and down and up and down cycle thing again. Even with nightly narcotics (the knee that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH continues to wake me up at least 4 times a night despite said narcotics) and the occasional half xanax, I am waking up with anxiety in between pain flares.

I'm so tired that I don't even wake up to pee unless my hormones have added their cheerful chaos into the mix. But being tired doesn't stop the anxiety. It comes through in my dreams, and lately hounds me into wakefulness, things upsetting me hitting me first thing in the morning and just not leaving me alone all day long. No matter what else I handle during the day, that stuff is once again taking over my equilibrium.

I'm alternately tearful, feel hopeless, feel overwhelmed... up and down and up and down. Back on the crazy train, as it were. I do NOT LIKE the ride!!

Not a good place to be. It was not this bad a year ago when I decided it was time to get help, but I can feel it ramping up, and I'm starting to feel disarmed and helpless and scared again.

I'm now intimately familiar with the symptoms of anxiety/depression as they apply to me, and not willing to let it go and hope that things get better on their own.

I've learned not to do that. Finally.

So I actually tried to make an appointment with Dr. Dirtball when I first noticed it, but by this circumstance and that, wasn't able to get in to see her right away. Best I could do was this coming Tuesday. 1st appointment of the day.

Now the person who makes the appointments is supposed to find out exactly what I want to see the doctor for. I understand that's due to scheduling and time constraints.

But I'm not particularly interested in telling the person who answers the telephone all the details of my life/condition/ailments/monster. I have enough trouble telling those things to my doctor, who I've been seeing for 10 years. It's damned hard to sit down and tell her how I really, really feel.

I'm not accustomed to sharing those things with strangers on the other end of the telephone, ya know? It feels unfair. For example, I don't walk in and, seeing the person behind the desk, refer to a piece of paper and know she has cramps, may be pregnant, has a rash under her arms... those things aren't my business. And while she may have access to my records, my personal stuff isn't hers, either.

So I said,  "Well, I've been on the medication a year and it's time for a med check. How do you do appointments? 15 minute? Half hour?"

She said that for a med check they ordinarily allow 15 minutes.

Then I said, "Well I have some other things to discuss with her. A slight fungal infection in my ear, some skin changes etc... better make it half an hour."

And she said,"Well, so I can tell her what to expect, what should I write down?"

And, knowing you can hear a smile in someone's voice, I smiled GREAT BIG. Said, "You can write down that I was very mysterious and refused to tell you all the gory details, but that I was pretty sure I'd need at least a half hour."

She tried valiantly one more time, "Well, she does like to know what a person is coming in for so she can be prepared with certain supplies or... ?" and she let it trail off on an interrogatory note.

I used the big smiley voice again.

"Oh. Well good then, it's all cool, she won't need anything except her prescription pad and her ears. But thanks for asking!"

So I see her Tuesday morning at 8.
Hope we can derail the train.