Coming up on a year...

It was the 28th of May last year when I finally decided to go talk to my doctor.

I went to her for help in derailing the crazy train I was riding. In endless circles. I hadn't slept through a full night in nearly a year. I was crying over nothing. In private. Didn't share my tears and fears with anyone. Just let them rule me, keeping me awake at night and stressing me out all day.

I recently read back over the journal I was keeping at the very beginning. I was having such a hard time.

Here's an excerpt:


After 13 years off medication, I have decided I can't cope on my own right now. I hate admitting that, but spending the past ten months unable to sleep through a full night without waking up at least four times and obsessing, sometimes for hours, spending my days with my brain spinning in maddening circles without any end... well, I can't do it anymore.

I cry.
I'm angry.
I'm frustrated.
I'm lonely even though I'm surrounded by family and friends.
I hate myself.
I find myself hating life in general.
I slog through every day as if I'm serving a sentence.

I don't like feeling this way. But I can't stop.

It's... killing me. For the past year or so I've been in a series of giddy highs and abysmal lows and reached the point where I feel one more swing in either direction is just going to drive me bugshit.

I need some peace.

I am not suicidal and I don't have a deathwish, but if someone killed me right now, I wouldn't mind. It would be... easier. It would be peaceful and I'd feel better.

As I write this, it's day 3. June 1st.

Started the medication on Saturday May 29th.
I have taken at least one Xanax, usually two, every day, though. I'm still obsessing and stressing.

I feel... better. I don't feel wonderful, but as I recall from my previous experience with this medicine, I will start to feel a lot better within a week... and by the end of a month, will be feeling like a different person completely.

I won't be able to cry.
But I won't care.
I will still be able to laugh, but won't find things so funny.

I'll be missing that... edge that makes me so quick.

I won't be so angry.
I won't feel so... deeply.

I'll lose the peaks and valleys and level off.

I also won't have a brain that spins in crazy circles and keeps me awake at night.

I won't be... me.

The last time I took this medication, I... changed. I changed forever. It's really hard to explain, but I know I am different.

Will this make me different even more?
Or, will it be like a movie?

Woman gets hit on head, suffers personality change. Is struck by lightning a few years later and suddenly returns to 'normal'. Will the medication 'fix' everything?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can say that I haven't lost my ability to feel this time. I can still cry. And laugh. And feel good. But when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, I can go back to bed and immediately back to sleep. I have been... even. I am not sad and angry and scared or any of the other negative things on the list.

Have I lost my edge? I think maybe I have, a little. But that edge was often angry. My wit was often acerbic. Bitter. And although I didn't usually show it, hateful. Not healthy and not okay.

What finally got me to my doctor was a phone call with bad news about a friend. I got that call on my way to work in the afternoon, and was so... stricken I had to pull my car off the road because I was hyperventilating. Crying, shaking, and just completely knocked off balance.

And I finally said this is no way to live.
This is fucking ridiculous.

When I pulled into the parking lot of the school and shut off the engine, I called my doctor's office and made an appointment. No more putting it off, no more waiting to see if I felt better. I finally admitted that I really needed help.

In retrospect, I think I was right.

The thing that's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there is that it's not something I could control. I couldn't just tell myself to buck up. To get a grip.

It's not a thing related to happiness, or how life in general is going.

I was angry with myself for having a great marriage, family, amazing friends, a job I loved and everything a rational person could want and having it not be enough for me to be 'okay'.

So I have one more month of refills before I have to go see my doctor again for a medication/follow up appointment.

And I'm thinking I'm going to keep doing exactly what I'm doing now.

It feels so damn good to be where I am.