I have spent a great deal of the last 24 years trying to dodge them.
Oh, not from family members, although there was a time during my teenage years that I avoided elderly aunts and uncles, not really sure why. I just.. felt funny.
As an adult, though, especially after
::cue deep bass scary music here::
::add screaming:::
::add years of tears and a forever wounded heart:::
THE INCIDENT...
I've had issues with personal space.
I can allow my husband and children into my space without fear, but even they have to be careful not to startle me.
I have a few friends I can allow in my space, too.
Very few.
Can count them on one hand.
It's odd, though.
A hug from a friend can sometimes still feel like... hm.
An occasion. A moment in time that stands out.
Something that may need to be analyzed later.
It's not always easy, comfortable... free.
On occasion, someone I don't feel all that comfortable with will hug me, and although it's not meant to scare me or upset me, there's that... hesitation. That momentary feeling of fear/wanting to step away/push away/analyze... run.
Even when I know the person cares for me. And wouldn't harm me. It's a visceral reaction, not based on rational thought.
And I realized today, after one of my newer friends hugged me, that it's getting easier to accept hugs. That I'm getting used to the idea that it's just... kindness. That I am liked/appreciated/loved/cared about. And that I'm truly fortunate to have friends who care enough about me to reach out and hold me.
Next step... can I initiate a hug for the first time with a new friend?
Or will I always be the hugged instead of the hugger?
Will someone always have to hug me first for me to know it's okay to hold them?
Tune in... oh, in 2030. By then I may know.
:)
And does the fact that I've written about this mean that I'm finally healing?
Ignore the fact that I put myself out here often.. you know, for example, that when I cough really hard I pee my pants. That my monthly curse gives me a migraine. That I will talk about almost anything here.
The hug thing?
Now that's personal.
I will definitely tune in in 2030 and see how you're doing :)
ReplyDeleteCan't believe it's 2011, let alone discussing 2030. Where's my jet-pack!?
I used to feel like that...now I'm the hugger LOL
ReplyDeleteThere is a running joke with my youngest. He wont't hug me . for my birthday he offered me two choices: a hug or he'd make me some cocktails. I said HUG. He was ...nooo can't I make cocktails? LOL I was drunk in less than half an hour. I will get him on army induction day though he heh
I'm a toucher... I like to hug if the other person is up for it... Not really anything kinky or sexual... unless she has great boobs, of course... :oD
ReplyDelete~shoes~
I am a hugger, but only when the huggee, seems receptive. With new friends I will quite simply ask. I don't know what happened to make you uncomfortable , but I do hope you continue to heal.Even if you never become a "hugger" Healing is good
ReplyDeleteYour post has interesting timing. Twice this last weekend, I was hugged by men that were not my husband. And, they hugged no one else. One being my husband's boss. The other being my oldest son's baseball coach from 4 yrs. ago--ran into him at another sporting event.
ReplyDeleteNeither of the hugs felt strange, though. They were....a compliment. And, I'm not a touchy/feely sort of person either.
If we ever meet in person, I won't hug you. I'll just give you a "high five" dude! ( :
I'm a hugger, but for some reason I rarely hug my best friend. I'm happy you're healing here's a virtual (((hug))) from me!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a hugger. I did not grow up in a family of huggers. My husband's family are huggers, so I hug them. I have a few friends who are huggers, and I hug them, too. But in general I am not the one to initiate any hugging, but I will go with the flow.
ReplyDelete