What can I say?

Emily's blog had this interesting post a few weeks ago.

She said that she can categorize the responses she gets when she tells someone her son has special needs into just a few categories.

Pity.
Lack of understanding.
I don't like labels/he seems like a normal kid to me.

And that some people understand because they are there, too.
And they get it.

And that some people just don't get it and never will.

She's right, of course.
Unless you've been there, you don't get it.
And I haven't.
I don't.
I can try to imagine what it would be like.

I can make comparisons to the strange and interesting sensory issues my daughter had (and still has.) I can draw parallels with some of the things I've read about Autism and related things to the...differences in my daughter, particularly when she was a small child.

I loved her differences and her quirks then, and I am still crazy about her now.

It gives me a small idea of what it's like to deal with some of the issues.  

There were several interesting comments on Emily's post, (ha, that's almost punny... Emily's Post...) and insights from people who do get it ... and I asked what the right response is.

I always worry that I'll say the wrong thing. That I'll offend the person.

I'm interested in what makes children tick. Their differences, the things about them that are similar, the things that make them smile and think and grow.

I accept their quirks and differing abilities as just part of who they are.

But I'm really curious. I'd always like to ask tons of questions. But of course, I don't ask them. Because I don't want to offend. I wait for the parent to tell me what they think I may need to know to care for the child.

So anyway, wandering back to the topic here...

From reading the responses to that post, I still really don't know what the right thing to say actually is.

Usually it's someone I'm meeting in a professional capacity through my job, and I want people to feel comfortable leaving their children with me.

I want them to know that to me, the child is exactly that.
A child.
A young person who will always be treated with respect by me. Cared for as best I can.

That I understand that the diagnosis is NOT the person, but that the diagnosis needs to be a part of how I approach the child. In the few minutes I usually have to meet, greet and say goodbye to the parent, I also need to let them know I see their child as someone special.

The way I see them all.

How, exactly, do you put that into words when you have 20 some other kids milling around, phone ringing, stuff going on?

I have heard people say (and have said it myself) "I do not like labels."
I don't.
Not because I disagree with the diagnosis.
Not because I wish to ignore it.

The reason I dislike labels so much is because of what happens to a kid who's wearing one. People have a tendency to lift up that label, read it, and never check what's in the package it's attached to. Worse, they want to hang more labels on the kid, and spend so much time reading and writing them that they don't ever open the package. I think that's a shame. It makes me sad and a little angry.

For example, Drew* . I have had him in my care off and on for several years. Here's a little more about Drew*
He had a complicated diagnosis, from what I understand. And school staff told us what a handful he was, and showed us his collection of labels. Which were NOT HIM.

I always got along with him okay, although his differences caused us to monitor him a lot closer than we did some of the other kids, because the other kids picked on him. Not acceptable, and I worked hard to keep it from happening. I wasn't always successful.

His mom had some differences and special needs of her own, and was difficult to talk to. I didn't get an opportunity to say the wrong thing to her, she wasn't really interested in communicating with us.

So we were really just doing the best we could with Drew. He has aged out of our program now, so I won't be able to see him and see how he's doing. I've said before how much I dislike that part of my job... the saying goodbye part. He's a neat kid. I'd love to see what the future holds for him.

So of course I can't communicate my limited experience to the parent who's dropping off for the first time. I  barely have time to introduce myself, and usually no time to say the wrong thing.

But I'd really love to say the right thing.
But I think what I've learned from reading the original post and the comments that followed is that there isn't really a right thing to say.

And that no matter how I try, or how sensitive I try to be, I may still end up saying the wrong thing or causing offense even though there is none intended.

I just want parents to know I care about their kids, whatever their needs and will treat them like my own.

Not easy to communicate that upon first meeting. I hope it becomes clear as I care for their children, though.