How do you handle a bully?

More profanity ahead.

I've been told it's the sign of a small mind and that grownups don't need to use those kinds of words.

To which I politely answer, "Bullshit."

So once again, don't read this post if profanity isn't your thing.
(By now, though, you ought to know what you'll find here on occasion. Profanity, used in new and creative ways whenever possible.)

There’s a message board I occasionally read. It used to be a much more active board, but things have slowed down, I’m not really sure why.

::sigh::

I liked that place a lot.

A mom posted this week about her eight year old son being bullied at Cub Scouts, and shared her advice to her son with the denizens of the board. (I can’t remember ever calling myself a denizen before... I sort of like it.)

She said she had been bullied as a child, and so had her husband. Here’s what she told her son:

1. STAY AWAY. Just don't go near him.

2. Refuse to react. Whatever he says, just ignore him. Not reacting will take away his power.

3. Bullies are clever and manipulative. They make sure things are stacked in their favor before they start anything. There is no point in counter-attacking a bully, because you will get in trouble, but he won't.

4. If you feel stuck ask an adult for help.

Well, with all due respect (I used to give Matt the same platitudes when he was incarcerated in the first grade seated next to one of the worst bullying assholes I ever saw.) those trite and untrue ideas DO NOT WORK.

They enable the bully to continue with his behavior, and it escalates. This is how bullies end up committing murder 15 years down the line. (And yes, I know that not all of them grow up to kill...)

After the little asshole poked Matt with his pencil approximately 4,000 times, stole his crayons, hit him, tripped him, shoved him, laughed at him, and did other little pissy things with NO CONSEQUENCES, we got tired of it.

I talked to his teacher.
“Well,” she said condescendingly, “boys sometimes don’t get along. We like to let them work these things out on their own.”

“Yeah, but can’t you at least move the little bullying asshole to another seat???” (I didn't call him a bullying asshole out loud, just so you know.)

“Well, we like to let them work these things out on their own.”

Then, I talked to his principal. His job, of course, was to support the teacher.

“Well, we like to allow the kids room and time to work things out.”

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

But what you have here is a case of the inmates running the institution, and Asshole Boy has NOT RECEIVED ANY GODDAMN GUIDANCE!!

So here’s what I finally told Matt to do.
"Next time that little jerk pokes you with a pencil, haul off and punch him in the nose as hard as you can."

Remember, this was after trying to deal with the bully in conventional ways.
'just ignore him'
'walk away'
'tell an adult'

Ignoring him didn't work.
When Matt attempted to walk away, the little, er, jerk, followed him.
When Matt told an adult, he was thanked for tattling.

We got really, really tired of it.

I did make the effort to meet with the principal just once more. I informed him that Matt would not be allowed to throw the first punch, but that if little Fucknose bothered my son again, he would be in for a surprise.

Principal Milquetoast drew himself up in his chair and said, pompously, “Well! I can’t condone that!!”

“I didn’t ask you to,” I told him. “Your approval isn’t needed. He’s MY son, and since you've refused to deal with this crap, we’re taking care of it.”

And guess what? Fucknose was moved to another table and squelched several times a day by the teacher. He was suddenly being carefully observed by the recess monitor. Fucknose became like the abominable snowman... his teeth had been pulled and he no longer bit. It is the job of the adults in that situation to offer guidance and teach kids... and they were failing miserably.

I'm pretty sure they weren't thanking me for my advice behind my back, though. Not that I gave a shit.

There was also a bully in Matt’s 1st Cub Scout den.

This was after we'd taken Matt out of school.

Matt is a gentle person, and first, he tried all the failed methods we'd suggested in the past.
Over and over.

Finally, one night, he'd had enough. He launched himself across the room, took the bully down to the floor and started pounding on him. It took two adults to pull my eight year old off the bully.

And you know what? The bully NEVER picked on Matt again. Further, when the bully started on another kid, Matt told him to stop. (Something the adults, in their lofty efforts to let the kids work it out never bothered doing) and the bully STOPPED!!

So I don't condone throwing the first punch. And truly, I see it as a last resort. But one that actually works.

I get awfully tired of bullies being allowed to continue their lives as a a turd.

I didn’t arrive at this controversial attitude overnight.

Tomorrow, what ERIC thinks should be done to handle a bully.