What Did You Do Today?

I have a boy in my group who is tall for his age. Bob is actually very young, but he looks like a 4th grader. He's seven. Just began 2nd grade. He has something going on, not sure what it is. He... picks at people. Bothers them while they're playing a game or working on an art project or just generally minding their own business.

They will ask him to stop. He won't. He does it more. It's not long before everyone around him is pissed off and he's been triggered. There is no way to talk him down, no way to get him to listen and the chances that he's going to get more and more upset and mean are very good. He gets embarrassed by his lack of control and he utterly hates it when everyone, hearing the noise and argument and seeing him lose it, starts staring at him. He says in a growl, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."

So I had thought about Bob over the weekend. I told him this afternoon when he checked in that I wanted to ask him a question after I got everyone checked in and they had their snacks.

I went and got him from the construction area. He put down the block project he'd been working on and came to sit with me.

"So Bob, I've noticed that sometimes you start to get angry, and then you feel bad because everyone is looking at you. And that seems to make you more angry. I can see that it's hard for you to calm down. So I wanted to ask you how we can fix things so you can have some space to feel better. To decompress a little. I noticed that the more angry you are, the more people stare at you and the more it makes you angry and frustrated. I wouldn't want everyone looking at me, either. What if we make a plan now, when everything is going okay? We can pick a spot where you can go and no one is looking at you until you feel better. I wondered if you'd like to use the gym? If we fix the door so it's partway open, and you put your foot where I can see it, then you can sit there as long as you want to. You could take one of the chairs from the reading area if you'd like. A book or some fidgets or some LEGO. It's not you being in trouble, it's you taking space and time for yourself. I will never send you there, but if you tell me you need a break, I will make sure you get one."

He was nodding and agreeing with me here and there. Asked if he could take a rug if he went to the gym. I told him he could take one of the smaller rugs if he needed it.

So I thought the conversation went well. Catching him when he wasn't escalated was part of it. I had hopes that it would help.

Spoiler... it didn't help.

The weather has been really nice. So we went outside to play. School gets out at 2:10, I have a full house by 2:30, and we have snack time before we go outdoors. Since it's been really beautiful and they're having such a good time out there, we stay out extra while we still can.

We'd been outside a full hour, kids were starting to get picked up, so I blew my whistle to get everyone indoors. Everyone came and lined up. Except Bob. Bob, who was with one of my series of temporary assistants near the swings, refused.

My assistant called me on the walkie and said, "Bob isn't going to come in, he says. What should I do?"
While standing right next to him.
Shit.

So we were under 15 kids by that point, meaning she could be alone with the group, so I swapped places with her and went out to talk to him.

By that time of day, my ankle on the right and my knee on the left and my DAMN FEET all hurt and throb in concert. I visualize a deep bass note and some dark red pulsating light all around each joint.

I wanted to grab him by the arm and pull him with me and get into the building. Oh, not to hurt him, I just didn't want to sit out there and deal with how much I was hurting on top of a kid who couldn't, for whatever reason, listen to me.

But I wasn't angry with him. Bob isn't a problem, Bob has a problem. The distinction is important. He wants to be a 'good' kid. He just has some things going on in his little brain and he's having a hard time.

So I sat on the end of one of the slides, a good 10 feet from him. Non threatening, not trying to coerce him. At first he wouldn't even talk to me, looking off to one side and sort of up toward the sky. Ignored my question of, "Bob, what's up, Buddy? You know it's time to go in. Staying outside isn't an option right now."

I waited. Got out my own phone from my pocket and pretended to scroll. Pushing on the black screen and focusing like I had my own thing to do. He watched me as I ignored him. Finally he asked what I was looking at. I told him I was trying to find a picture of a spider that was in my house the other day to show him. He was all kinds of excited to see it. So I pulled up this one from my blog.



We started talking about spiders a little bit. He was enthusiastic about some of the great big ones he saw when he visited his grandma, but couldn't remember where she lives.

I started walking toward the building, still chatting with him about spiders. The conversation veered into snakes and bats and other critters. He really wants to see a live scorpion.

He walked with me and we went back into the building.

We both went and washed our hands, that's the first thing we do when we come indoors. Does it kill all the germs? HAHAHAHA NO!!! But it supposedly helps. I know it helps keep the toys a bit cleaner, at least.

Bob joined his little brother at the game table and I didn't hear a lot from him the rest of the afternoon.

But I had to talk to his mom when she came to pick him up. A child who won't stay with the group is considered an elopement from program and it has to be a written incident report.

I have talked to both his parents before about some of the things that have happened when he gets angry, and they're aware of his ongoing issues with listening and  being unable to stop being mean to other kids.

I can't tell you what they're doing about it, but I can tell you that they're doing the same things for Bob that I would do if he were my kid. He is being supported and they're really trying to help him get things figured out.

Mom gave me a couple tips to deal with a meltdown, but I'm guessing it's not going to help a great deal with our day to day. I like him, but I'm glad he's only there two days a week.