Toilet Humor

When we bought this house in 1996, the bathroom was so ugly that if you looked at it long enough, it would blind you.

I'm not kidding.

One wall had slightly shredded, small pieces missing, edges curling, off-white wallpaper, with blue, orange and golden yellow mums with avocado green stems.

One of the other walls was pinkish. The rest of the walls were off -white-turned- to yellow.

Shower had doors with swans and cattails... both doors were cracked.

Between the end of the tub and the sink was a 2x4 frame enclosing pink glass. It wasn't really a shower, just one of those hand held things with a metal hose.
A moldy metal hose.

There was dry rot in the wall at the end of the tub. A yellow metal venetian blind covered the window. A dusty, stinky, really old and bent rusty blind.

I am sure it came with the house, which was built in 1959 and had never been taken down. The floor... ohmigod the floor. The floor was covered with early 70's gold and brown flat carpet.

We put a towel down when we showered, and as soon as we stepped on the towel with wet feet, dirt jumped into the wet spots and gray water showed up on the towel.

Topping all this was a fluorescent light fixture above the toilet/tub area, and a silver 'light bar' with FOUR 100w bulbs. There was enough light in there to get a sunburn. I don't know about you, but most things I do in the bathroom I really prefer to do in a little less light. And let's not forget the pink fixtures. Pink sink, pink throne, pink tub.


Now our budget for doing the bathroom was the same size as our budget for other important things.. small.

So, first we replaced the floor with a 25 dollar remnant piece of linoleum. That was actually informative and entertaining all by itself. We put a large piece of paper next to the tub and using a spool and a pencil, traced the outline of the tub, around the sink etc until we had a complete floor shape made of brown paper.

Then, we turned the linoleum upside down and traced the pattern on the back, making sure the pattern was upside down, too. After the usual ration of swearing, sweating and screaming, the linoleum was installed and it was safe for me to return with the children. ;) Over the next year, we replaced the tub surround, the shower and yanked the doors off. I sponge painted the walls and put up a wallpaper border, too. For awhile, it was the cutest room in the house.


In September 2005, our pink toilet started leaking on the floor from the bottom of the tank. Since I am the one who always cleans the bathroom, (notice that's bathroom. Singular.) I am the one who noticed it. Because of the condensation and usual damp conditions of a bathroom, I didn't even realize at first that it was a leak. It got worse. Showed it to the hubby. Blame was produced, but no one took it. My guess? It was a very old toilet. Too many butts.

So, hub and teen son went to Home Depot to replace said leaky throne. Came home with a new one... and a bunch of jokes.

Seems that one can no longer actually buy a toilet that runs more than a cup of water through on a flush. There's a smart idea... get one of those and flush 14 times or more depending on the size of the thing you're trying to get rid of.
Saves water. Yeah. Sure it does.

So they said, "We were going to buy the Ass Biter 2000, but then we went with this great one here." They installed it while we all waited around with our legs crossed.

Yeah, great. As soon as it was in, it was leaking from the back of the bowl. Hub got down underneath and looked. The toilet was defective. SHIT! (no pun intended)

So, we called Home Depot.
They said, "Well, did you put water in the toilet?"

DUH.. that's how we figured out it was LEAKING!!!

"Well, sorry. If you put water in it, we can't take it back."

Wow, now that's backing up what you sell, huh?

After drying and drying and drying it and covering the leak with DUCT TAPE, we contacted the manufacturer. (Eljer... synonymous with shit, worldwide)

They said, (paraphrasing here...) Oh gosh golly yes, we've had all kinds of problems with those. Home Depot knows about it (what???!!) So after we send you authorization, you can take your toilet back to them.

To get authorization, take a picture of the leak. Write a little note describing the problem. Whistle the theme from Aida with a mouthful of goldfish crackers. Dance naked in the moonlight in the rain, wind and ice and pretend you're sane.

Fast forward. After receiving the certificate in the mail, hub and son yanked the toilet out and took it to Home Depot, where the bubblegum chewing airhead at the desk said, "Oh, you can't return toilets." Hub produced the certificate and then they agreed to take it back. They refunded our money, and he purchased another brand. (Kohler) Turd Grater 4000, was among the names hub and son called it as they unpacked and installed.

I'm left wondering the following things.
A. If Home Depot knew about the problems with that toilet, why were they still selling them?
B. If the manufacturer knew about the problems, why were they still selling them to Home Depot?
C. If the plumbing guy at Home Depot knew "Them there terlets are just a piece of garbage," why are they STILL selling them?
D. Would people who buy toilets have more of a tendency to buy one labeled Turd Grater 4000 or one labeled Soft Flush?

Pondering.....